Double Scotch!

Geordie goal-machine Alan Shearer head north of the border to Glasgow on Sunday despite the persistance of the niggling injury that had caused him to pull out of Saturday’s trip to Carlisle. The big number 9 thumped in couple of crackers as part of his campaign to fuck 206 slags to help raise awareness of the under funding of the British Armed Forces. When questioned about Saturday’s no-show he admitted he felt regret for letting our troops down, saying: “You should always give 100%. If you do that then no one can ask more of you. Someone once said to me when I was a kid: ‘If you are asked to do ten sprints, by all means do eleven but never do nine because you’re only cheating yourself'”.

We asked Alan if he felt this injury may cause him to eventually abandon his current campaign before the intended target is met. Defiantly he replied: “Defeat is not worth thinking about”. Wow!

195 remaining


Consetter yourself well in!

Alan Shearer made an impressive return to his native North East on Friday by smashing a charitable tart from Consett all in the name of a good cause. We here at NOTA have been closely following his campaign to ravage a record-breaking 206 bits of totty to help the government to reconsider their under funding of the British Armed Forces and in a NOTA exclusive interview the former world’s most expensive player had this to say about the North East: “coming from here is special to me. I can relate to the supporters because I was one of them and still am”.

197 to fuck

Undressed in the North West

Last night we witnessed yet another triumphant display by Alan Shearer in his campaign to smash 206 record-breaking slappers to help raise awareness of the plight of military funding in this so-called country. After the event in Salt Ayre Sports Centre, Lancaster, we asked Alan if he was feeling the strain. He told us: “there is a lot of pressure on me for obvious reasons. But I proved tonight that I mean business and I want to go all the way”.

Shearer will be back in his native North East tonight to continue his quest. “I go there with confidence, but I know there is a very fine line between success and failure in this game”.

Toothpaste CTB!!!!!!

Is this confusing the boys?

The Boys like brushing their teeth at least once a week and if we’re gonna do it we might as well use a toothpaste that actually feels like its damaging our teeth even more. That’s why the Boys use Euthymol, the only toothpaste that hurts. But we have a problem. Euthymol’s colour is Pink, a combination of red and white, and a sly piece of Mackem propaganda that will prevent this product from ever really doing it for the boys AND Alan Shearer. So my plan is for you readers to write to Euthymol and urge them to change this mouth lava to an FTB grey (a combination of black and white the colours Alan Shearer wore when he scored 206 record breaking goals for the Toon). Here is some of my correspondence with Johnson and Johnson the makers of Euthymol.

Hello there Men of Euthymol. I just want to say that your toothpaste is definitely the choice of the lads, and the lads will use it all day long, But is it for the Boys?
Well it tingles and sometimes after a really good scrub actually hurts which is something the boys approve of and the fact that it can budge even the harshest of tab stains is a clear indicator that Alan Shearer himself would use it, but would Alan Shearer use it? Euthymol is pink. A combination of red and white the colours that evil Mackems Sunderland have been wearing as their football strip for years. How could the boys and Alan Shearer brush with Mackem toothpaste? It hurts as it cleans but it is pink. Your toothpaste confuses the boys.
To make sure your toothpaste has a future with the boys i suggest you change it from pink to grey (a combination of black and white, the colours that Alan Shearer was wearing when he scored his 206 record breaking goals for the Toon).
Only then will the boys stop being confused. Thank you

Please get in touch with them yourselves to stop the Mackems destroying Alan Shearer’s dream and doing it For the Boys!

Slags of Luton em-brace Shearer’s Campaign

Big Al’s campaign trail continued yesterday to Luton where his aim to bang a record-breaking 206 slags to raise awareness of the poor funding of our Armed Forces was met with hearty enthusiasm. He netted a couple of crackers last night in an unprecedended blaze of form, that’s 7 from 5 now for the former Newcastle United number 9. Alan himself couldn’t believe his luck, stating “99 times out of 100 I might not have pulled it off, but recently I’ve been hitting everything!”.

206 – 7 = 199