By Popular Demand: Glory Seeking!

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By Popular Demand: Alex Ferguson

When the Boys want something the Boys will get it, that’s the way we here at NOTA were raised. Youtube followers asked and they got. So here it is by popular demand photographic evidence of Sir Alex Ferguson’s attempts to undermine Alan Shearer’s campaign and play mind games with him by getting to the slags first. See for yourself here.

VHS Review: ‘House 2: The Second Story’ (Ethan Wiley, 1987)

The cinesimpletons over at reelfilm.com described House 2: The Second Story as “the all-time champion in the category of uncalled for sequels”, calling it “excruciating” and complaining that it “just goes too far with the over-the-top hijinks”. They also seem to have problem with the lack of gore, whinging that it could easily be shown on a Saturday morning. Yet what they, and everyone else who slates this film for that matter, don’t seem to realise is that they are utter cunts and would probably give their own reviews a panning whilst masturbating themselves into a frenzy of reactionary glee. Let’s not forget that reelfilm.com are the self-same ninnies that find it “extraordinarily difficult to understand why [Duck Soup] is generally regarded as some kind of a comedy classic” claiming that “the majority of [the Marx Brother’s material] just isn’t funny” and gave it the same number of stars as intolerable dreck like Epic Movie , whilst simultaneously rubbing their prostates in delight at Kathryn Bigelow’s racist borefest The Hurt Locker with its empty performances that are in their dimwitted opinion “nothing short of stunning in terms of its power and effectiveness”. How on earth they found Bigelow’s exercise in tedium to be “almost unbearably suspenseful” is a mystery nearly as great as the appeal of Pendulum and the Black Eyed Peas. What’s worse they seem to criticise House 2: The Second Story for providing what it our opinion here at NOTA is one of the all-time great cameos John Ratzenberger as Bill “Electrician & Adventurer” Towner (“Looks like you’ve got some sort of alternate universe in there or something”), moaning that the House films seem to make it a rule to have a member of the Cheers cast has to appear at some point. I’m surprised they even noticed George Wendt appeared in the first film given that they obviously spend the majority of their time doubled over cursing their lower rib. Pricks.

Having formerly been a creative technician on both Return of the Jedi (1983) and Gremlins (1984), Ethan Wiley had written the screenplay for House (1986) and House 2: The Second Story was his directorial debut. The “sequel” has nothing to due with its predecessor other than its set in strange house (not the same though). The story follows Jesse (played by Arye Gross) who having inherited an old house begins to explore his family secrets. He is particularly keen on the story of his great-great-grandfather, a notorious outlaw famed for having stolen a crystal skull with alleged magical powers. Believing that the skull may be buried with his great-great-grandfather, Jesse and his friend Charlie (played by Jonathan Stark) proceed to dig up his grave finding both the skull and, get this, Gramps (played by Royal Dano) still alive. Gramps informs Jesse that the house he has inherited is a temple and warns Jesse that evil forces may come a-looking for the skull and they best be alert. Of course, inevitably they do come a-looking and Jesse must fight off sacrificial cults, strange prehistoric creatures and vengeful outlaws to save the world as well as his own love life.

Someone regrets not using Radox

Enjoyable romp for those who don’t have an axe to grind due to the size of their penis.

Verdict: For the Boys (FTB)

Foul mouth in Falmouth!

Shearer banged another brace last night thrusting forward ever more to that target of bedding 206 record-breaking slags to raise awareness of the poor funding of our Armed Forces. The cheeky pair of Cornish corkers were presented to Big Al by Mayor Evans at a special ceremony in the Town Hall.

187 more needed

VHS Review: ‘Adventures in Babysitting’ (Chris Columbus, 1987)


According to the cunts over at Internet Movie Data Bollocks, a fifteen year old Chris Columbus was so inspired by a viewing of The Godfather that he decided a career in film was him. After discussing his plans with a number of friends, most of whom thought it was a ridiculously bad idea and that he didn’t have clue, Queen Isabella I of Castile offered him some cash hoping to see the back of him. Mistakenly taking this condescending gesture as a sign of support, he packed his little bag, folded his blanky and set sail arriving in the New World to enrol in NYU Film School bringing disease with him.

Columbus was a very pious man and after graduation he felt he must concentrate his efforts on the religious conversion of the natives he encountered. He decided the best way to do this was through writing a film that would properly convey the Lord’s message across to the natives. Yes, this must be it! Between1984 and 1985 three of Columbus’ screenplays were to be made into features. In Reckless (1984) James Foley directs Johnny (played by  Aiden Quinn), a rebellous American footballer and comes from a poor background, who falls for Tracey (played by Daryl Hannah), a rich girl with a jerk for a boyfriend. So utter crap then. The second and third of Columbus’ screenplays to convert the savages however are classics that need no introduction. Put simply, Gremlins (1984) and The Goonies (1985).

In 1987 Columbus would be given the chance to direct his first feature. Adventures in Babysitting stars Elisabeth Shue (go here) as 17 year old Chris Parker, who having had her big date cancelled by her jerk of a boyfriend ends up babysitting for Sara Anderson, a little girl with pre-adolescent crush on Thor (played by Maia Brewton) and Brad Anderson, a 15 year old with a crush on Chris (played by Keith Coogan). Both of which ended their acting careers in the film’s TV spin-off. The hilarity starts when, get this, Chris’ friend telephones to say she has ran away from home and is now stranded at the train station surrounded by general inner city-type folk. You know the sort, you’ve seen them before, people such as the crazy homeless man, the gun waver and the dreaded spectacles thief. Chris promises to save her and inevitably things don’t go to plan. Chris and the two kids, joined by Brad’s annoying ginger mate Daryl (played by Anthony Rapp), encounter a hookhanded tow-truck driver out to shoot his wife’s lover, a car thief with a heart of gold and his gangster bosses and have to endure being forced to sing the blues. The shit really hits the fan when poor Chris spots her boyfriend’s car parked outside a restaurant. Her boyfriend, who had cancelled his date with Chris by claiming he had to look after his sick little sister, was really out on a date. And get this the girl he was with had a reputation for being a bit easy to get in the sack for a fiddle. Good lad! I mean, who can blame him. Elisabeth Shue doesn’t get her top off for one second in this film and it’s a fucking 15-rating! According to BBFC guidelines in a 15-rated film nudity ‘may be allowed in a sexual context but without strong detail’. Now strong detail would be nice, but no one is demanding it. All see want to see is your fucking tits. Now stop teasing The Boys and get that top off. To make matters worse throughout the film we are told that Shue’s character Chris bears an uncanny resemblance to a recent Playboy model but we never see any topless photographs. Chris seems embarrassed by the resemblance, why? Playboy models do it for the Boys! Don’t be a fucking Mackem, show us the goods.

Cock-tease Elisabeth Shue with her top probably glued on

Adventures in Babysitting was to be Columbus’ professional debut as a director. He would later go on to direct Home Alone, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and Mrs. Doubtfire as well as bunch of Harry Potter bullshit.

Verdict: Against the Boys (ATB)

From the Vaults: Eat Those Flies!

The first NOTA News!

Article reads:

TWAT RAY MEARS LATEST SHOCKING OUTBURST:
EAT THOSE FLIES!

BIZARRE bushcraft oddball Ray Mears, 46, last night shocked the nation by calling starving Africans “picky eaters”. “There’s food everywhere, literally under their noses. Eat thoses flies, you can’t afford to be fussy, mate!”
    Devil-may-care Lenny Henry says he plans to have a “quiet word”.

Comment: notanews@hotmail.co.uk”

From the Vaults: Diana Took It Up The Arse

This article originally appeared as a flyposter sometime between April and June 2010 on the streets of Bristol. It reads thus:

‘ROCK’ BURRELL BLABS NEW ROYAL REVELATION:

DIANA TOOK IT UP THE ARSE

SERVILE BENDER AND CANDLESTICK THIEF Paul Burrell, 53, alleged last night in YET ANOTHER cash-for-memories US television interview that the People’s Princess loved “a good old-fashioned regal shit-dicking”.

    The bastard ex-butler blissfully recalled his attentive ears eavesdropping on Charles “crashing his muddy sceptre triumphantly into Diana’s tunnel of doom”. The seraphic slut “moaned like an angel,” he tearfully reminisced, as our nation’s next king “speedily hired his spunky detectives to investigate the mucky underworld of her dung district.”

    However, when pressed as to whether or not Dodi had also drilled Lady Di’s dirt reserves, Burrell dutifully snapped, “A commoner bedding nobility? It’s not polite to discuss such a thing. I mean, imagine?!


Have your say: notanews@hotmail.co.uk”

Correspondence: Junkie Bin Man, Kidnapper and 80s Pop Disaster Boy George

via twitter@NOTANewsHQ

Boy George’s tweet on 4th Jan 2011:

Some straight guys get upset if you fancy them and even more upset when you don’t! Love it!

GREG’S REPLY

@BoyGeorge but most don’t care, you lazy fat reactionary cunt. take some heroin and fuck off.

BOY GEORGE’S REPLY

@NOTANewsHQ Oh, have a gold star for being so grown up & bright!

GREG’S REPLY

@BoyGeorge Thanks, but my parents taught me never to accept gifts from fat talentless wankers.