‘Jacko put his jewels in my hand and now I’m scared to sleep!’

POP AND DATE RAPIST Will.I.Am, 41, yesterday revealed the secret and ultimate price of his fame. In a NOTA exclusive interview Black-eyed Pea Will (or Bill to his mum) exposed the troubled truth behind buy-one-get-one-free-on-WKD chav-club classics, such as ‘Don’t stop the party’, ‘I Gotta feeling (lets party more)’ and, who could forget, ‘Please don’t stop partying or i’ma gonna dya (italian remix)’. The Ableton Live preset user tearfully confided that midway through 2000 he’d had his brown starburst saved by Michael “young plums = good plums” Jackson during particularly bitter orgy with Des’ree. After which the self-styled King of Pop took the Black-eyed Pea under his wing and promised to teach him the secret his success. Unfortunately Will (Bill to his mum) was unaware that Wacko Jacko was an established prankster. Lying for his own amusement, late pied piper of Pop whispered his alleged magic success formula into the eagerly enthusiastic and impressionable ear of Will (Bill to his mum): you gotta party non-stop! And to encourage him (and secretly mock him) further, “Make mine a Chipolata” MJ implanted a Logan’s Run-style gem into the hand of Will (Bill to his mum) designed to detonate should the Black-eyed Pea drop below four Mojitoes per hour and the dancefloor to below eight bouncing badonkadonks.

Sadly history seems to have written itself against the Black-eyed Pea; Jackson died taking the deactivation code to the detonation device with him and Will (Bill to his mum) remains trapped within a nightmarish 24/7 party hell, the cessation of which would be his explosive doom. ‘Man,’ Will said, ‘Its been eleven years! Doctors say my heart resembles James Blunt’s music, so I really can’t have long left.’

When asked by NOTA how he keeps on partying Will (or Bill to his mum who left him during childbirth) responded, ‘Oh, I have a team of people prowling the web looking for any sort of party possible whether it be a big club, a kids party or even a klan meeting. I hurry in my slags and my quick and cheaply-made – [Kwik Save?] – music and get a party started. Seriously though I haven’t slept in eleven years and, due to all this dancing, I only weigh five fucking stone! I have to make this party music forever now or I will die. Why did that potty mouthed mid-wife MJ have to die without telling me the code? It’s my fault I suppose for wanting to be famous without having talent. Now I just have to party. Why on earth did I agree to let him attach this denotion device . . . I’m such a Willy-I-am!’

Well by the looks of the lego wearing enemy of sound the greasy talentless cunt will drop dead any moment soon. Remember boys and girls if we stop partying all over the globe for just one hour Will (or Bill as his dead mum might have called him) will die in hopefully a fairly tragic way and we will never have to hear any of his fucking godawful shit music ever again. Spread the word!

Will.I.Am was last spotted on the M23 to Crawley where he’s been informed Stephanie Minter is celebrating her eleventh birthday.

Earl of Newcastle returns to Hull

In 1642, Charles I named the Earl of Newcastle as the Royalist governor of Hull whereas Parliament named Sir John Hotham. Hotham’s son was given the task of securing the town from the entry of Charles I which lead to the monarch besieging the town. Not since then has Kingston-upon-Hull been besieged in such a manner until yesterday when Alan Shearer arrived to carry on his well publicised campaign to bang the hell out of a record-breaking 206 slags to raise awareness of the plight of military funding in this so-called country. The photograph above shows a gentle-faced Big Al only seconds before battle. Wow!

182 best get those tops off and get spreading those legs in preparation

NOTA Film: Censorship of the Boys

Cyber-mackem Agenda?

A number of NOTA films have been pulled from youtube for allegedly breaching their terms and conditions, despite clear acts of self-censorship. Youtube did not appreciate censored images of Alan Shearer’s ongoing campaign to bang a record-breaking 206 slags to raise public awareness of the underfunding of the British Armed Forces. Nor did they find it acceptable to show similarly censored images of Paul Gascoigne and football managers Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger, Neil Warnock and Rafa Benitez.  In a bizarre twist, it seems that youtube find it perfectly okay to show imagines of Newcastle owner Mike Ashley being sodomized by a transsexual and being forced to suck cock as long as its for an over 18 audience. One cannot help but wonder if this latter decision in act of support for Joey Barton’s campaign against obesity in the Toon boardroom or simply an act of sexual preference on behalf of the powers that be at Youtube. We here at NOTA can smell at act of sabotage in the name of Sunderland a mile off. Youtube are guilty of nothing less than taking part in the Mackem agenda to undermine Shearer’s noble cause. It is a gross act of cyber-mackemism.

Mackem in disguise or testicle-less yesman - you decide.

In similar act of censorship, NOTA’s very own Greg Splatter was yesterday blocked from following the Newcastle Evening Chronicle‘s pseudo-journalist Lee Ryder’s twitter feed for insisting that the local press should “grow some balls and fight back” against a tyranny of NUFC owner Mike Ashley’s obesity that seems hell bent on crushing the will of the Geordie people. Ryder up til now has let himself be used as the fatman’s mouthpiece printing his lies and spreading confusion. It remains to be seen whether they are in act all working for a more sinister cause, Sunderland. However, one thing is for certain this cannot go on. Confusion of the Boys (CTB) is a very serious condition and Ryder must not be allowed to proliferate it by printing Ashley’s lies and broken promises.

VHS Review: ‘Split Second’ (Tony Maylam, 1992)

Now people can say what the like about Boris Johnson, they can call him a dimwitted toff racist or an adulterous cigar case thief if they choose, but in fairness to the lad knows how to get things done. In 2008, for example, just after being elected to office as Mayor of London, forty days of torrential rain due to global warning caused the Thames burst its banks and flood large areas of the city. Rats and disease raged war and crime escalated due to an increasingly desperate populace, comprised primarily of cyberpunks. To make matters worse, a serial killer was on the rampage ripping on the hearts of victims and leaving the police completely baffled. Boris Johnson decided enough was enough and hired Stone (played by Rutger Hauer), an uncompromising US mercenary to track down the perpetrator and bring him to justice. After Stone’s somewhat brash and unorthodox tactics fell under scrutiny by London’s Special Branch, Boris Johnson assigned him a partner Dick Durkin (played by Alastair Duncan), who no one could work out if he was meant to be comic relief or not.

Michelle (Kim Cattrall) gets her tits out twice (for the Boys!)

Before these two half-wits manage to realise that the killer was in fact a mutant rat-cum-man-demon thingy from the sewers that was eating hearts of its victim to claim their souls and that it had something to do with the astrological water symbol of scorpio, Michelle (played by Kim Cattrall) did her best to keep anyone who was getting ever more bored by the plot interested by getting her tits out a couple of times. However, despite her very welcome efforts doing it for the Boys it wasn’t enough. The rest of the story fell so flat and made so little sense that everyone has forgotten that any of this ever happened and now no one remembers just how much Boris Johnson’s decision to hire Stone had saved London from the horrors of a killer rat-cum-man-demon thingy.

Director Tony Maylam, known to NOTA solely for launching the career of the Weinsteins with his Friday the 13th rip-off and video nasty shitfest ‘The Burning’ (1981), does a fine job here in showing the world how to be completely inept at your job, although one can offer him a degree of sympathy given the total inadequacy of the writing. On top of all that, the title ‘Split Second’ is beyond baffling and not at any point in the film is any clue given as to why on earth it is chosen. Hmm.

Verdict – Bored the Boys (BTB)