The man, the myth, the messiah that is Alan Shearer travelled to Swansea yesterday to continue his well-publicised campaign to bed 206 record-breaking slags in order to raise awareness of the frankly disgusting plight of the funding of our Armed Forces. The £15 million striker tallied a further two onto his already impressive score so far to leave the 300 or so strong crowd in the Surf Club utterly stunned. When NOTA reporters attempted to interview the lucky ladies post-coitus they were shaky-legged and incoherent, remaining in a state of ecstasy for a number of hours. Powerful stuff!
Northumbria University freshers were given a warm Geordie welcome this week by the people of the city and a good time was had by all despite the looming debt new students face due to increased tuition fees. The week’s fun saw Newcastle Elders Kevin Keegan and Peter Beardsley taking a particularly active role in the proceedings dedicating their valuable time gratis, declaring, “If yee gunna pay summat daft fre yer byeuk reading yee may as well get summat fre nowt, like”
Average-looking Salisbury slag Katie (above) got it in the face yesterday by a determined Alan Shearer hellbent on ticking another off his target of 206 record-breaking sluts in order to raise public awareness of the plight of military funding in this supposed country.
“That bland equestrian harlot sucked a mean one,” said her happy mother, who had fingered herself into a frenzy as she watched the Geordie goal-machine pound her only child, “I’m dead proud, me!”
Shearer was delighted that he had served his country, however he was must disappointed with the calibre of woman on offer:
” She was alreet like, but not me cuppa tea, naa what I mean like” he muttered on leaving, “nowt special . . . good tits though!”.