The greatest striker in the history of Newcastle United Football Club travelled to Soho yesterday to continue his campaign to highlight the disgusting underfunding of our troops by having sex with 206 record-breaking slags. Now although Soho has a reputation of being the capital of London’s sex industry and no doubt has seen its fair share of the finest lotharios over the years, nothing could have prepared the City of Westminster for the awesome libidinal force that is Alan Shearer. Don’t let Big Al’s coy expression in the above picture fool you as it fooled the tart in it, she soon found out she was playing with fire. After giving the daft bint a thorough seeing to, the Geordie goal-machine disappeared into the night before eye-witnesses had time to regain their composure. Soho has never been so shaken!
135 remain untapped
(Hold on 135! 1 + 3 + 5 = 9. Alan Shearer scored 206 record-breaking goals for the Toon wearing the number 9 and that was for the Boys!)
After the 13-tart triumph of the Be-Ro flour Onedayer Festival in Leeds, the Alan Shearer campaign to bang 206 record-breaking slags to raise awareness of the lack of military funding travelled to down to the Devon coast yesterday for a somewhat more modest one-on-one performance in Plymouth. Before getting under way and giving local bike Ashleen Daley a thorough drilling, Big Al addressed a packed Palace Theatre speaking of his delight to be playing a venue that had once hosted Charlie Chaplin, however he insisted there was nothing funny about the plight of the British Armed Forces. The crowd cheered and Shearer undid his trousers.
Nota has always seen ourselves as a fair publication. We don’t tap phones of anyone, especially those in obvious distress. This is down to a moral obligation to our readers and that we can’t afford any of the required equipment. Seriously if we could we probably would, but in the meantime we’ll have to make do with the excellent opinions of Newcastle elders wor Kev ‘n’ Peter.
Kev- So hoo dee they get a tap into a phone Pete? Is it still hooked up te the mains?
Peter- Ah think it got a radio transmitter in it Kev.
Kev- So its beaming water in frem space?
Peter- Summat leik tha . Its amazin hoo far technology has come alang recently. Taps just used te be fre baths, then dancers foond a way of dancin on them, noo they can beam water ower yer phone line.
Kev-So when me phone breaks next time i’ll caal a plumber oot .
Peter- Dodgy bastards.
Kev- What if they put a phone tap in me bath tap? That’ll mean me taps tapped an aal the tappers will hear is the soond of me tap running ower a tap as its beaming space water oot its aan tap an mixing into me tap water.
Peter- Exactly. Ah reckon having a tap in yer phone waad be handy if yee want te brush yer teeth on the move. Yee can get a decent rinse oot of yer samsung galaxy.
Kev- Ah dropped mein doon the nettie Peter.
Peter- Divvent worry it should be fine, they hev te be waterproof if they can be fitted wi taps.
Kev- Thats true but it went roond the u-bend so Ahm back te shouting really loudly, it’s deein the missus heed in.
Peter- Well ah divvent knaa aboot tha Kev
After a brief tour of Scotland, legendary Newcastle number nine Alan Shearer flew down to Leeds yesterday to continue his campaign of banging 206 record-breaking slags to raise awareness of poor military funding at the Be-Ro Onedayer Festival at Leeds Corn Exchange. The sell-out event saw the Big Al headline with support from some of the best local bands – in their opinion – Leeds has to offer. Within seconds of landing, Mr. Shearer got straight down to business with event co-ordinator Kelly Baldwin, giving a small but enthusiastic group of fans a taste of what was to come later in evening (see below).
Regardless of how much the people of Leeds claim to like the shite bands from their area and despite how much their enjoyed singing along all day to them, there was only one man they’d paid top money to see and when headline act Alan Shearer took to the stage followed by ten local bints the roar from the crowd was deafening. Midway through banging slag number two the Geordie striker stopped. The bemused crowd remained in perfect silence as Shearer stood motionless. A few members of the audience were biting
their lips and shaking their heads thinking something had gone wrong. A concerned-looking Shearer picked up his microphone, feigning disappointment before breaking into . . .
“Please welcome on stage . . . here to pick up sloppy seconds . . . all the way from the Toon . . . my dear friends and the Newcastle Elders . . . Wor Kev and Peter!”
The Leeds Corn Exchange became an ecstatic pandemonium as Keegan and Beardsley entered from stage left and right respectfully and picked up from where Shearer had left off. Despite a valiant effort by the Newcastle Elders, and some audience members who had crowd-surfed onto the stage, the only person to get through all ten slags before nature got the better of them was the man himself, Alan Shearer!
The towering number nine wasn’t finished yet, however. After his set Mr. Shearer gave an exclusive performance for Sky Arts 1 team Zoe Ball and Huy Stephens for their coverage of the one day festival (above) and before the night was through picked up local lass Gabby Hutton at the after show party (below) taking his grand total for the day to a staggering 13 slags! Wow!
150 – 13 = 137 to go!