Merry Christmas from NOTA News!

Never mind the Nazarene, check out the birth of Alan Shearer!


Lansley Loves Fake Tits

Having championed controversial French breast implant firm Poly Implant Prothese (PIP) amidst protest from the mental axe-grinding feminist Left, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley was invited to NOTA HQ yesterday to try out NOTA office slag Kelly Chadwick’s new fake tits. And I think it’s safe to say that the possible cancer threat she faces from choosing the cheaper option was the last thing on his mind. He was mightily impressed!

Father Christmas Doesn’t Come Early

The Sun Military Awards were broadcast last night but there was one man missing from the proceedings: Alan Shearer. This, of course, was no mistake on behalf of the judging panel; they had offered him both the award for Support for the Armed Forces and Judges’ Award for Special Recognition, but he declined. In an exclusive NOTA interview Big Al stressed that he did not wish to seem ungrateful, indeed he was honoured to have even been considered, however he felt there were others more deserving of the accolades.
Whilst others were gleefully, and deservedly, shaking hands with and accepting awards from Philip Schofield and Amanda Holden in London, the Geordie striker was in Gloucester continuing his work to raise awareness of poor military funding by banging 206 record-breaking slags. Playing to a sold-out Guildhall theatre the goal-machine’s performance had a particular festive theme. Local bicycle Tina Whitfield was nominated by native sportmen rugby’s Phil Greening and cricket’s Alastair Cook to take a pounding from the Toon legend. And what a pounding it was! Christmas certainly didn’t come early!
‘Tis the season of giving but for Alan Shearer it’s a full time commitment. Don’t let Shearer’s modesty fool you, no one has done more for the British Armed Forces this year than the big number nine!

124 remain intact

Lake Dick-strict for the big AS

The world’s tallest 6 foot man Alan Shearer recently took the NOTA office by surprise sending us a letter stating “You guys need to keep up with me, a pensioner had to take this for me when I drove through the outskirts of the lake district on tour.” As it turns out Shearer had picked up hitchhiker Molly Parker on his travels and after hearing his plight she offered herself there and then. The angry look on his face? “I thought I saw someone in the bushes wearing a red and white top which almost sent me ballistic, but on closer inspection it was just some mafia types dumping a body wrapped in a bed sheet . . . which is fine.”

125 slags left to fill up St James Park

Loud and Proud in Stroud

The massive six foot man-mountain Alan Shearer wasted no time on his arrival in Stroud last night, rounding up three of the town’s finest (apparently) as the Gloucestershire leg of his campaign to raise awareness of inept military funding by smashing 206 record-breaking slags got underway.  Before his performance, Mr. Shearer spoke candidly to a packed Cotswold Playhouse about how the citizens of Stroud have a proud history of protest and straight-talking politics dating back to 1825 riots and he thanked them for their continued support. A huge cheers resonated around the auditorium as native rockers Pendragon plugged in to provide the mood music and the Geordie striker got down to the serious business of banging the whatever dignity they may have once had out of local trollops Jenny Proctor, Lynn Baxendale and Martha Chadwick. Good lad!

129 – 3 = 126 to go!