As Beyonce and Jay z celebrate the birth of their first child, and reveal to the world that the diva had previously had a miscarriage. Nota can reveal that DMC Lenny had been interfering stating, ” I like a kip me like and thought Beyonces wet pocket looked dead comfy, but when I sneaked up there some other cunt was there so I got rid of him sharpish and waited for her to queef me out. Dead funny having rich parents like.”
Happy new year, friends! Welcome to the first addition Life’s Fruits of 2012. My name is Richard Attenborough – brother of David and hallmark of quality British cinema – and my mission, should I choose to accept it (which I have) is to expose queers as found in the natural world.
#3: The Poodle
Dogs are often said to be man’s best friend but a poodle would only be a man’s best friend because it secretly fancied the man and wanted to bum him. Look at it, man! It’s an absolute bloody queer! Yuck. Poodle? Poofle more like, know what I mean.
Fat celebrity pseudo-chef Antony Worrall-Thompson staked his claim for the much-feared Nick Grimshaw Award For Being An Absolute Cunt today. The former poisoner and irresponsible restaurant entrepreneur, lacking the ability to take full responsibility for his recent shoplifting antics, insisted that he acted without “rhyme or reason” not knowing when was going on in his head and claims he is now “seeking help” for his alleged mental health condition. It remains to be seen however if Worrall-Thompson’s PR-informed faux mental breakdown and dishonesty will be enough to damn him to the Nick Grimshaw award at the every-nearing NOTA Awards ceremony.
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With the imminent NOTA Awards ceremony bearing down his neck, Geordie emigre James Charnock made a last ditch effort to claim for his own the prestigious Alan Shearer Award for Doing It For The Boys by having a himself a special NUFC thobe made so he can show his support comfortably in the sweltering 50°C Gulf state of Qatar. Read full story here.
However, it is questionable as to whether it will be enough to convince the voting public and NOTA’s judging panel as Charnock faces stiff competition for the much sought after award, not least from critics’ favourites Richard Handl, Chris Mews and Charlie Sheen.
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Happy New Year
Listen readers, I’m a bit drunk but I just wanted to say thanks for the continued support throughout 2011. You’ve been in another class to your run-of-the-mill blog reading cunt, you really have! Now I know what you’re thinking, did Big Alan Shearer bang those slags in the above photograph and thus adding a further three onto his already impressive score? Needless to say, of course he did. Even when he is celebrating the coming new year he’s still performing charitable deeds. Good lad! That’s 121 to go for that man Alan Shearer in his quest to raise awareness of the grossly limited budget of our Armed Forces by bedding 206 record-breaking slags. Wor Kev and Peter called first dibs on sloppy seconds.
Honestly though, you’ve been great followers of our humble news feed, and I’m pleased to say we’ve got some real treats in store this year for you so keep those eyes glued to your favourite blog. Now I’ve got to get back to the party. Hopefully Devil-may-care Lenny Henry hasn’t done what I think he might . . . Oh fuck he has.