Two Birds One Shearer!

Big bad Alan Shearer travelled to Morpeth yesterday where he received a hero’s welcome by an ecstatic crowd. Two-hundred or so skipped church eager to witness the Geordie striker ravage a couple of local bints as part campaign to raise awareness of the lack of military funding in this so-called country by banging 206 record-breaking slags. Local bikes Katy Adamson and Rebecca Hedley bucked and sucked themselves into the hearts of onlookers as the massive number nine took no prisoners in what was surely one of his finest performances to date. Champion!

117 – 2 = 115 remaining

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Getting it up for Lent in Kent

Terrifyingly tall Geordie striker Alan Shearer finally got back down to business in Kent yesterday after a well-deserved break from his campaign to raise awareness of poor military funding by banging 206 record-breaking slags. Canterbury big lass Kelly Starkey volunteered her services to Big Al partly out of respect for his cause but also in attempt to work off some excess padding piled up by extreme pancaking on Tuesday. Needless to say, the giant number nine pounded the heck out of her in front of a roaring and packed Marlowe Theatre.

117 left to go!

Mummed Outen Against the Boys

Mumming it out in the Andes

After long and uncomfortable consideration, NOTA is saddened to announced that the once upon a time breakfast TV stunner and morning wank favourite Denise Van Outen has officially mummed out.  In her recent TV ad campaign for Hoseasons (found here), which led to the rubber-stamping of this difficult decision, a pretty but somewhat zestless Van Outen appears more likely to give you a gentle and supportive hug than give you the urge to vigorously tug. She now joins the ever-growing list of 90s hotties, including Melinda Messenger and Melanie Sykes, to mum out against their better judgement. Fucking gutted.

Picking up three at Blackburn

Towering Geordie six-footer Alan Shearer continued his much-publicised campaign to bang 206 record-breaking slags to help raise awareness of the underfunding of the British Armed Forces in Blackburn yesterday. The superstriker had been celebrating with his beloved Newcastle United after they’d picked up three points at Ewood Park against the struggling relegation-bound Lancashire side, when low and behold Shearer managed to picked up three of another kind for himself! Local gobshite Barbara Hindle was joined by slag sisters Jackie and Judy Valentine to make the night a complete success.

121 – 3 = 118 to go