Devil-may-care Lenny Henry’s Holiday Snaps. Flaunting the hosepipe ban in flooded Tewkesbury

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Life’s Fruits

Hello again my fellow concerned citizens! As you must know by now, I’m Richard Attenborough the nutcase owner of Jurassic Park and brother of Sir David, and my mission is to expose poofters in the animal kingdom.

#4 The Cockatoo

Do not be fooled by their punk hairstyle these birds are as queer as queers come. They aren’t original punks – Punk’s long dead, after all! They only asked the barber for a Mohican because they find the punk aesthetic “cute” and consider it “a fashion statement”. They think it makes them look tough and manly. Homo-eroticism, pure and simple. Is there anything more gay than trying to look butch? Well, is there? Sucking cock, I hear you say. Well, the cockatoo certainly like to suck a cock or two! Urgh, do they? That’s disgusting. The cockatoo is definitely a poof.

The smallest, and gayest, of cockatoos endemic to Australia is the hideously bent Cockatiel (see below picture).

(Left) Typical make-up wearing poofter male, (Right) Typical female slag

A typical male cockatiel cakes his face with more make-up than even the sluttiest of female cockatiels. Not that the females would be of any interest to the very homo male cockatiels. They breed by artificial insemination so wor Davey tells me.  Poofs.

Age Concerned

After the floppy failure of his previous outing, six-foot Geordie giant Alan Shearer returned to Bradford yesterday in a effort to make amends and get his campaign to raise awareness of the plight of our Armed Forces by banging 206 record-breaking slags back on track. Little did he know that, much like a growing number of men in the Bradford area, the organiser of the event was a granny-fetishist. Our hero had to grin and bare it, contractually obliged as he was to drill the heck out of two local pensioners to an applauding sell-out crowd in the National Media Museum.

114 – 2 = 112 left

Feeling the Pressure

Seeming man-mountain Alan Shearer left a Bradford crowd of several hundred stunned yesterday as his campaign to bang 206 record-breaking slags to raise awareness for the plight of the British Armed Forces staggered to a floppy halt. When you’re known for carrying the world on your shoulders too easily people forget you’re only human. A disappointing night for all, yes, but Shearer will be back and stronger! After all, if he doesn’t then who will?

Still 114 to go