Age Concerned

After the floppy failure of his previous outing, six-foot Geordie giant Alan Shearer returned to Bradford yesterday in a effort to make amends and get his campaign to raise awareness of the plight of our Armed Forces by banging 206 record-breaking slags back on track. Little did he know that, much like a growing number of men in the Bradford area, the organiser of the event was a granny-fetishist. Our hero had to grin and bare it, contractually obliged as he was to drill the heck out of two local pensioners to an applauding sell-out crowd in the National Media Museum.

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