Six Foot Colossus

Despite the her best efforts the gibberish spewed up by the Oracle of Delphi never quite cut it with the ancestors of NOTA HQ, nor did her nonsensical claim that she convinced them not to rebuild the Colossus of Rhodes because they may have offended the sun god Helios. Ancient scrolls handed down from our Boys back then to the Boys here now, clearly state that the real reason why they felt it wouldn’t be a good idea to rebuild it. In plain Geordie ’twas written that it was pointless to rebuild it as they knew that one day a man would be born whose towering six foot stature would dwarf all statues and all gods. That man hit the ground running in 1970. His name is Alan Shearer, as the National Monuments Record (NMR), English Heritage’s public archive, in Swindon know so well.
And while we’re on the subject. Alan was in Swindon yesterday. That’s right, while we were  all scratching our behinds and bemoaning the seemingly endless shit weather, Big Al was braving the elements, carrying on his campaign to raise awareness of poor military funding by banging 206 record-breaking slags!  Playing to a packed and applauding Wyvern Theatre, the massive number 9 ravaged the socks off local bint Hannah Smart, who it must be said gave as good as she got. Miss Smart’s teary-eyed mother Helen told NOTA reporters she’d “never felt so proud of anything in her life”.  Good work all round.

110 to go!

Nearer for Shearer After Vera

£15 million superstriker and all-round top bloke Alan Shearer chalked another one off and moved ever more towards his target of bedding 206 record-breaking slags to help raise awareness of poorly military funding yesterday. Mr. Shearer who was Stamford Bridge to cheer on his beloved Newcastle United as they thrashed Chelsea a massive two goals to nil and decided to celebrate the occasion by giving an impromptu performance with local bike Vera Eddington-Timms. After drilling her into ecstasy the six-foot Geordie legend disappeared into the night leaving those in the press room gasping for breath. Stunning!

111 remain

THINK OF THE BAIRNS!!!

Because of YEEE, the bairns aren’t even getting a chance to do it for the boys! Before I just thought recycling was something that slags do when they are on the rag (I’ve seen those special tampon bins and they always put me right off my shit). But it turns out that all of ye have been throwing away things that could be used again and hurting the bairns. This recent picture taken in a hospital shows a bairn getting caught up in them can ring things that has no specific name! Now before you start eating your litter cos the shops closed, think again. There’s a perfectly good floor for your litter to be thrown on. It keeps bin men in work. Also other animals get caught in things which is fucking hilarious, all i did as a bairn was laugh at mice stuck in empty bottles and hedgehogs lodged head first in a can. Now I’m older and more active i just watch videos of trapped animals on Youtube and it still hasn’t lost its appeal. So next time ye preggers lasses think of eating your rubbish, THINK OF THE BAIRNS and throw that shite on the floor. I believe the bairns are our future, let Shearer lead the way. Greg