Despite the her best efforts the gibberish spewed up by the Oracle of Delphi never quite cut it with the ancestors of NOTA HQ, nor did her nonsensical claim that she convinced them not to rebuild the Colossus of Rhodes because they may have offended the sun god Helios. Ancient scrolls handed down from our Boys back then to the Boys here now, clearly state that the real reason why they felt it wouldn’t be a good idea to rebuild it. In plain Geordie ’twas written that it was pointless to rebuild it as they knew that one day a man would be born whose towering six foot stature would dwarf all statues and all gods. That man hit the ground running in 1970. His name is Alan Shearer, as the National Monuments Record (NMR), English Heritage’s public archive, in Swindon know so well.
And while we’re on the subject. Alan was in Swindon yesterday. That’s right, while we were all scratching our behinds and bemoaning the seemingly endless shit weather, Big Al was braving the elements, carrying on his campaign to raise awareness of poor military funding by banging 206 record-breaking slags! Playing to a packed and applauding Wyvern Theatre, the massive number 9 ravaged the socks off local bint Hannah Smart, who it must be said gave as good as she got. Miss Smart’s teary-eyed mother Helen told NOTA reporters she’d “never felt so proud of anything in her life”. Good work all round.
110 to go!