Massive six-foot man-mountain Alan Shearer woke up yesterday to the news that his campaign of banging 206 record-breaking slags to raise awareness of insufficient military funding was potentially in tatters. While munching upon his regular breakfast of chicken and beans an emergency carrier pigeon arrived from the office of Newcastle Elders Wor Kev and Peter informing him that six of the lucky lasses selected to take part in his campaign had been kidnapped by Mackem terrorists under the command of vicious Wearside tyrant and benefit fraudster Chris Waddle. Outraged, the Geordie striker slammed his fist to the table and after formulating a rescue operation in a matter of seconds sent a carrier pigeon away to the Newcastle Elders informing them of the plan . . .
Step One – Locate Some of Women
“Rumours have it,” Shearer wrote, “that Waddle recently installed a purpose-built bachelor pad on the third floor of Hylton Castle. This seems like the most likely place he have holed up some of the girls but as Waddle is a slippery customer I very much doubt he’d make it that easy for us to put them all in the same place. But we’ll start there. Now, everyone knows that it’s perfectly within my powers to bound up the walls of the Castle after all I made a career out of getting one over the wall of Premiership defenders, however I’ll need Wor Peter to distract Waddle’s Mackem guards by any means necessary . . . ”
“That’s fine,” thought Wor Peter, “I can cast scorn on their stinking Mackem breath by throwing bags on minty fresh Jesmona Black Bullets at them. No doubt they’ll give chase and that should bide you some time.”
Shearer’s note continued: “With Wor Peter taking care of the guards, I’ll break inside the building, just like the way I broke into many a Premiership penalty box, and score a spectacular brace . . . ”
“After the formalities are through and I’ve ticked the two off my campaign tally, I’ll turn my attention to the whereabouts of the other slags . . . ”
Step Two – Holding the Fort
“Obviously as Wor Peter is otherwise engaged, Wor Kev will have to oversee the smooth running of Tyneside on his own, making sure that everything remains Black ‘n’ White ‘n’ True.”
Step Three – Interrogation
“Now it’s unlikely that the slags in the bachelor pad at Hylton Castle will know the whereabouts of the others, however no doubt there will be low level female employees working for Waddle, such as maids, that may well do. Before scaling back down the wall of the Castle I’ll take a hostage of my own and working quickly with well-proven techniques get some answers . . . ”
The Final Stage
Stages one to three were a complete success. It was discovered that the remaining slags were being held in Waddle’s headquarters above Oris Ltd sausage factory, Sunderland and now it was a race against time to rescue the girls and get his campaign back on track. Today, in an exclusive interview, the man who redefined the number 9 told NOTA reporters of how whilst fighting his way into Waddle’s sausagy compound it occurred to him that if the events that were transpiring were to be condensed into neatly packaged report it would be a canny 206th post for the NOTA News blog: “I thought to meself that given this could be the 206th post for your blog I should be dressed for the occasion. I took some dinner clothes from the bedroom and while get dressed fought my way through to the hostages.”
After dodging the attacks of one guard after another the world’s tallest six foot man found himself one on one with the last line of defense standing between him and the slags. “Divvn’t ye even think aboot it . . . Actually gan aheed make me day!” Shearer shouted . . .
The Geordie legend rounded up the remaining slags headed to the helipad where he had planned to steal Waddle’s Sausage-copter and fly the slags to safety. However two of the lasses, frightened that they might miss their opportunity to take part in Shearer’s campaign if the Sausage-copter were shot down whilst escaping, had other plans.
Despite being a performance of sexual prowess perhaps unwitnessed in the history of the Earth, in the process of banging the sheer heck out of these two blonde bints one of the other slags was snatched by Waddle’s Mackem minions. Wasting no time in postcoital clean up, the big Geordie legend gave the slags a quick yet thorough helicopter pilot lesson so they could fly to safety on their own.
The lasses arrived back to the office of Newcastle Elders Wor Kev and Peter in perfect nick yet as the hours when by there was no news from Shearer. What had happened to him? Had he managed to rescue the other girl? Had he been caught? The news quickly spread through Tyneside. The area became gripped by fear and as the day drifted ever more into night all hope seemed to be vanishing with it.
Then at 6:37 am this morning . . .
Meanwhile, having sworn revenge what evil is Mackem tyrant Chris Waddle summoning from the depths of Hell . . .