One Man Army of Volunteers

xmas shearerHer Royal Highness personally praised the world’s tallest six foot man, Alan Shearer, in her Christmas Day address calling his tireless campaigning against the lack of military funding by banging 206 slags “an enormous degree of the dedication and effort.” So high was her respect for Big Al’s cause that she invited him to give a behing-closed-doors set at Windsor Castle today whilst she ate her Christmas chips and battered swan.  Mr. Shearer didn’t disappoint. The monarch clapped with delight as he sleighed local army wife and would-be choir singer Kelly Burns. Her Majesty told exclusive NOTA reporters afterwards that of course she expected Mr. Shearer to be good “but perhaps most striking of all was to witness the strength.”

99 to go!

Someone’s doing it for the Boys: Bad Santa and the Balloon Artist

This story appeared in the Metro today:

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Smiles with Santa before he massacred their dreams

“A Santa Claus has been suspended after allegedly telling children about the Sandy Hook school massacre.

The unidentified man also told one child at a garden centre’s Christmas grotto in Oxford that Father Christmas doesn’t exist.

Parents Wendy and Steven Kennett said they paid £5.99 for each of their three children to meet Santa at the centre in Nuneham Courtenay.

After Ryan, 10, Amy, 7, and Katie, 6, said they had been good, Santa allegedly replied: ‘Well there are bad people in the world and bad things happen, like what happened to those children in America.’

The oldest of the siblings later ran out of the grotto crying telling his parents: ‘Santa told me he is not real, it’s just you and dad.’

Mrs Kennett said: ‘I was totally furious. I now had three children in floods of tears.’

The family’s day went from bad to worse when they headed to a restaurant for a meal to cheer themselves up – only for the children’s entertainer there to tell them it was a waste of time writing to Santa.

A spokesman for Notcutts Garden Centre apologised for the incident.

‘This man was a freelancer and he has been suspended from his job for the season,’ he said.

‘He has worked for us for 10 years without any complaint and we will be sitting down with him in the future to discuss the incident.

‘At the end of the day the customer is upset. We have apologised for that and we have taken steps and the family have been kept informed.’

The garden centre has also arranged for the family to visit the Hyde Park Winter Wonderland attraction in London.”

The Metro also reported that a balloon artist afterwards told the same children that he was Santa’s best friend, that they go skiiing together on a weekend and not to bother writing to him as he’s got better things to do that read their letters! FTBAAS

Putting Feet First

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After slacking a little of late, the world’s tallest six foot man found himself in Ashford, Kent today as his much-publicised campaign to raise awareness of the lack of military funding in this so-called country by banging 206 record-breaking slags was due a kick start. And what better way to do so than with local dinnerlady and filthy foot fox Theodora Atkins. A small but respectful crowd gathered at St Mary’s Church to witness the man-mountain that is Alan Shearer find his feet once more in the race to change the moneymen’s attitude to our Armed Forces and reverse spending cuts. Miss Atkins father and long time pinko troublemaker, Graham, was conspicious by his absence – some times parents just don’t understand!

100 yet to be pummelled