Someone’s doing it for the Boys: Fake Signer

signlanguageAs one legend dies, another steps up! From the BBC:

“Deaf viewers of Nelson Mandela’s memorial service have complained that the official sign language interpreter was a fraud who was “signing rubbish”.The Deaf Federation of South Africa told the BBC the man’s signs were “arbitrary” and “did not make sense”. The man, who has not yet been publicly identified, was seen on stage signing as friends and family of Mr Mandela, and world leaders, paid tribute to the former South African president. The government is investigating. It said on Wednesday it had as yet been unable to get to the bottom of the allegations “due to the demanding schedule of organising events related to the State Funeral”. But, in a statement, the government said it “wishes to assure South Africans that we are clear in defending the rights and dignity of people with disabilities”.‘Making a mockery’ Major national and international news channels broadcast Mr Mandela’s state memorial service live on Tuesday. The man, suited and wearing a pass around his neck, stood next to key speakers such as US President Barack Obama and Mr Mandela’s grandchildren translating their eulogies. During the broadcast, Wilma Newhoudt-Druchen, South Africa’s first deaf female MP, tweeted: “ANC-linked interpreter on the stage with dep president of ANC is signing rubbish. He cannot sign. Please get him off.” ”

On the other hand, we here at NOTA consider this gentleman an example to be followed. Top marks!

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Someone’s doing it for the Boys: Bad Santa and the Balloon Artist

This story appeared in the Metro today:

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Smiles with Santa before he massacred their dreams

“A Santa Claus has been suspended after allegedly telling children about the Sandy Hook school massacre.

The unidentified man also told one child at a garden centre’s Christmas grotto in Oxford that Father Christmas doesn’t exist.

Parents Wendy and Steven Kennett said they paid £5.99 for each of their three children to meet Santa at the centre in Nuneham Courtenay.

After Ryan, 10, Amy, 7, and Katie, 6, said they had been good, Santa allegedly replied: ‘Well there are bad people in the world and bad things happen, like what happened to those children in America.’

The oldest of the siblings later ran out of the grotto crying telling his parents: ‘Santa told me he is not real, it’s just you and dad.’

Mrs Kennett said: ‘I was totally furious. I now had three children in floods of tears.’

The family’s day went from bad to worse when they headed to a restaurant for a meal to cheer themselves up – only for the children’s entertainer there to tell them it was a waste of time writing to Santa.

A spokesman for Notcutts Garden Centre apologised for the incident.

‘This man was a freelancer and he has been suspended from his job for the season,’ he said.

‘He has worked for us for 10 years without any complaint and we will be sitting down with him in the future to discuss the incident.

‘At the end of the day the customer is upset. We have apologised for that and we have taken steps and the family have been kept informed.’

The garden centre has also arranged for the family to visit the Hyde Park Winter Wonderland attraction in London.”

The Metro also reported that a balloon artist afterwards told the same children that he was Santa’s best friend, that they go skiiing together on a weekend and not to bother writing to him as he’s got better things to do that read their letters! FTBAAS

Devil-may-care Lenny Henry “Right Man for the Job” Say Top Newspaper Men

Lord Justice Leveson’s “measured, reasonable and proportionate” rant yesterday on the standards of so-called journalism in this country left all who heard it on the brink of tears. It was even acknowledged by the Prime Minister Dave Cameron who stood up in the House of Commons, said something and then sat back down. Everyone knew that the time had come to act but no one knew just how to; Charlotte Church and Anne Diamond called for the Army to be brought in to supervise editorials; indignant newspaper men argued that it was their God-given right to print outright lies.

However all was not lost. There were a few calm souls. Top newspaper men from the more sensible end of the press spectrum agreed with the spirit of Leveson’s report however felt the Church-Diamond solution was a step too far and would jeopardize free speech in the long run. Instead they quite sensibly called for more self-regulation of the press but this time to be spearheaded by the only man that could stop wreckless journalists wreaking havoc and running amok in our streets: Devil-may-care Lenny Henry (pictured below harrassing Kanye West).

 

NOTA Exclusive: Kevin Keegan announced as new Director-General of the BBC by Royal appointment

NOTA News can exclusively reveal the man to succeed George “got hot potato on my hands” Entwistle as the new director-general of the BBC, Kevin Keegan. After nearly a decade of being the never considered yet popular choice for the position, the people’s voice has finally been heard by none other than Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II who personally gave the nod to greenlight his installment.
Since Entwistle’s long overdue resignation yesterday, commentators have been clamouring around and banging on about the need for ‘radical overhaul’ of the organisation unsure as to the individual best suited to man the responsibility yet the answer was under their noses if they’d bothered to look. David Mellor MP was the first to call for Keegan as Entwistle’s successor, speaking on the BBC’s Sunday Politics he said we need “someone more energetic and focused.”

If Wor Kev could take a poor Newcastle United side struggling in the second tier of English football and turn them into Premiership contenders think what he will do for the BBC!

206th Post Exclusive: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S … Alan Shearer!

Massive six-foot man-mountain Alan Shearer woke up yesterday to the news that his campaign of banging 206 record-breaking slags to raise awareness of insufficient military funding was potentially in tatters.  While munching upon his regular breakfast of chicken and beans an emergency carrier pigeon arrived from the office of Newcastle Elders Wor Kev and Peter informing him that six of the lucky lasses selected to take part in his campaign had been kidnapped by Mackem terrorists under the command of vicious Wearside tyrant and benefit fraudster Chris Waddle. Outraged, the Geordie striker slammed his fist to the table and after formulating a rescue operation in a matter of seconds sent a carrier pigeon away to the Newcastle Elders informing them of the plan . . .

Step One – Locate Some of Women

“Rumours have it,” Shearer wrote, “that Waddle recently installed a purpose-built bachelor pad on the third floor of Hylton Castle. This seems like the most likely place he have holed up some of the girls but as Waddle is a slippery customer I very much doubt he’d make it that easy for us to put them all in the same place. But we’ll start there. Now, everyone knows that it’s perfectly within my powers to bound up the walls of the Castle after all I made a career out of getting one over the wall of Premiership defenders, however I’ll need Wor Peter to distract Waddle’s Mackem guards by any means necessary . . . ”

“That’s fine,” thought Wor Peter, “I can cast scorn on their stinking Mackem breath by throwing bags on minty fresh Jesmona Black Bullets at them. No doubt they’ll give chase and that should bide you some time.”

Shearer’s note continued: “With Wor Peter taking care of the guards, I’ll break inside the building, just like the way I broke into many a Premiership penalty box, and score a spectacular brace . . . ”

110 – 2 = 108

“After the formalities are through and I’ve ticked the two off my campaign tally, I’ll turn my attention to the whereabouts of the other slags . . . ”

Step Two – Holding the Fort

“Obviously as Wor Peter is otherwise engaged, Wor Kev will have to oversee the smooth running of Tyneside on his own, making sure that everything remains Black ‘n’ White ‘n’ True.”
Step Three – Interrogation

“Now it’s unlikely that the slags in the bachelor pad at Hylton Castle will know the whereabouts of the others, however no doubt there will be low level female employees working for Waddle, such as maids, that may well do. Before scaling back down the wall of the Castle I’ll take a hostage of my own and working quickly with well-proven techniques get some answers . . . ”

108 – 1 = 107

The Final Stage

Stages one to three were a complete success. It was discovered that the remaining slags were being held in Waddle’s headquarters above Oris Ltd sausage factory, Sunderland and now it was a race against time to rescue the girls and get his campaign back on track. Today, in an exclusive interview, the man who redefined the number 9 told NOTA reporters of how whilst fighting his way into Waddle’s sausagy compound it occurred to him that if the events that were transpiring were to be condensed into neatly packaged report it would be a canny 206th post for the NOTA News blog: “I thought to meself that given this could be the 206th post for your blog I should be dressed for the occasion. I took some dinner clothes from the bedroom and while get dressed fought my way through to the hostages.”

After dodging the attacks of one guard after another the world’s tallest six foot man found himself one on one with the last line of defense standing between him and the slags. “Divvn’t ye even think aboot it . . . Actually gan aheed make me day!” Shearer shouted . . .

107 – 1 = 106

The Geordie legend rounded up the remaining slags headed to the helipad where he had planned to steal Waddle’s Sausage-copter and fly the slags to safety. However two of the lasses, frightened that they might miss their opportunity to take part in Shearer’s campaign if the Sausage-copter were shot down whilst escaping, had other plans.

106 – 2 = 104

Despite being a performance of sexual prowess perhaps unwitnessed in the history of the Earth, in the process of banging the sheer heck out of these two blonde bints one of the other slags was snatched by Waddle’s Mackem minions. Wasting no time in postcoital clean up, the big Geordie legend gave the slags a quick yet thorough helicopter pilot lesson so they could fly to safety on their own.

The lasses arrived back to the office of Newcastle Elders Wor Kev and Peter in perfect nick yet as the hours when by there was no news from Shearer. What had happened to him? Had he managed to rescue the other girl? Had he been caught? The news quickly spread through Tyneside. The area became gripped by fear and as the day drifted ever more into night all hope seemed to be vanishing with it.

Then at 6:37 am this morning . . .

104 – 1 = 103 to go

SHEARER!

Meanwhile, having sworn revenge what evil is Mackem tyrant Chris Waddle summoning from the depths of Hell . . .

To be continued . . .

THINK OF THE BAIRNS!!!

Because of YEEE, the bairns aren’t even getting a chance to do it for the boys! Before I just thought recycling was something that slags do when they are on the rag (I’ve seen those special tampon bins and they always put me right off my shit). But it turns out that all of ye have been throwing away things that could be used again and hurting the bairns. This recent picture taken in a hospital shows a bairn getting caught up in them can ring things that has no specific name! Now before you start eating your litter cos the shops closed, think again. There’s a perfectly good floor for your litter to be thrown on. It keeps bin men in work. Also other animals get caught in things which is fucking hilarious, all i did as a bairn was laugh at mice stuck in empty bottles and hedgehogs lodged head first in a can. Now I’m older and more active i just watch videos of trapped animals on Youtube and it still hasn’t lost its appeal. So next time ye preggers lasses think of eating your rubbish, THINK OF THE BAIRNS and throw that shite on the floor. I believe the bairns are our future, let Shearer lead the way. Greg

Life’s Fruits

Hello again my fellow concerned citizens! As you must know by now, I’m Richard Attenborough the nutcase owner of Jurassic Park and brother of Sir David, and my mission is to expose poofters in the animal kingdom.

#4 The Cockatoo

Do not be fooled by their punk hairstyle these birds are as queer as queers come. They aren’t original punks – Punk’s long dead, after all! They only asked the barber for a Mohican because they find the punk aesthetic “cute” and consider it “a fashion statement”. They think it makes them look tough and manly. Homo-eroticism, pure and simple. Is there anything more gay than trying to look butch? Well, is there? Sucking cock, I hear you say. Well, the cockatoo certainly like to suck a cock or two! Urgh, do they? That’s disgusting. The cockatoo is definitely a poof.

The smallest, and gayest, of cockatoos endemic to Australia is the hideously bent Cockatiel (see below picture).

(Left) Typical make-up wearing poofter male, (Right) Typical female slag

A typical male cockatiel cakes his face with more make-up than even the sluttiest of female cockatiels. Not that the females would be of any interest to the very homo male cockatiels. They breed by artificial insemination so wor Davey tells me.  Poofs.