Having championed controversial French breast implant firm Poly Implant Prothese (PIP) amidst protest from the mental axe-grinding feminist Left, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley was invited to NOTA HQ yesterday to try out NOTA office slag Kelly Chadwick’s new fake tits. And I think it’s safe to say that the possible cancer threat she faces from choosing the cheaper option was the last thing on his mind. He was mightily impressed!
We here at NOTA were saddened to hear of the death of our friend and all-round top bloke Kim Jong-il – only days ago he had been sat in this very office laughing and joking in high spirits. So it is with great sorrow that we publish the following interview, which turned out to be Kim’s last. We sincerely hope it will shed new light on an often misunderstood man, a man whose memory all here at NOTA HQ will cherish.
First off, how did you like the gifts?
“Aye, canny good. The Be-Ro flour was unexpected but a bloody cracking prezzie. Never tried Jesmona Black Bullets but they look smashing . . . And needless to say the lass was top draw as well, like.”
So. What you been up to of late?
“Same old, same old. You know me. It’s been nice to come here and have a little break. I wanted to see that Shearer lad at it with this campaign. Shame he has to do it though, I mean in my country me army’s properly funded – a quarter of GNP! Piss takers over here, like.”
So what is the story behind the song ‘No Motherland Without You‘?
“It’s just about how mint I am and that. It’s about how I taught meself to play guitar – no lessons! – and I can do over hundred keepy ups. I mean, it’s an alreet song but to be quite honest with you I listen to Aretha Franklin most days. Adele can fuck off.”
Were you annoyed by Eric Clapton declining your offer to play in North Korea?
“Listen, let’s get one thing straight here: I never asked him to come in the first place, you got that. He just went around telling people I asked him to go to make himself look important. Why would I want him to come to my place? His music – if you can call it that – is fucking bland dadrock shite. I’ll knock him out the next time I see him for telling people I like it.”
KIM JONG-IL (1942 – 2011) RIP
Best known as longtime anchorman on Channel 4 News, John Snow famously bottled a chance to kill Idi Amin on flight claiming he was worried about the consequences of firing a gun aboard a jet. With this in mind, NOTA invited him to Headquarters to discuss matters of the gravest importance . . .
NOTA: Hello Mr. Snow. What was it like to remove Anna Ford’s bra?
Call me John, please. It was bloody marvellous. It was the late 1970s and she was a right looker back then. We were engaged for bit, just till I managed to get my end away then I binned her for a better one. She was pretty fit though, you’d well have give her some of that! Hard to believe it now, she’s proper grannied out against the Boys!
NOTA: ATB, indeed. Notice you’re using NOTA phrases – “against the Boys” – are you a reader of NOTA News?
Of course, I am! I think this way of doing the news is the future. It reminds me of Channel 4 News when we first kicked off. Dedicated journalism with real sense of purpose and occasional tit wanks in the office . . . I miss those days.
NOTA: So how come you bottled killing Idi Amin?
Well, the answer that does the rounds is that is some nonsense about how I was worried about the consequences of firing a gun on a plane and, yes, I’ve used this story myself a few times. But if truth be told that wasn’t the reason I chose not to shoot him. The real reason is that due to being very nervous about doing it I found myself needing the toilet. Unfortunately, just as I was about to go Amin myself got up to go. So I thought ‘Fuck it, I’m going to kill him as he leaves the cubicle’. I stood outside waiting for what seemed like an eternity. I kept looking around at his guards. I thought, ‘Shit they know what I’m up to, they’re on to me’. Amin was taking his time in the toilet. Far too long in fact. ‘Maybe,’ I thought, ‘he knows I’m waiting to get him? Maybe he’ll come out all-guns blazing?’ I was about to sit back down but then I heard movement from inside. Amin was fastening the zipper on his trousers. Buckling his belt. Flushing the toilet. He didn’t bother washing his hands. On hearing the bolt on the door side open, I clutched my pistol tight. As Amin opened to the door to leave he looked me square in the eyes and said, ‘Mate, I’ve just done a really stinky piss!’. And I thought, ‘Fookin’ hell, that’s for the Boys!’
NOTA: Hi Mr. Chiles, what’s it like being a Brummie cunt?
Adrian Chiles: Having a funny accent has always helped me. It lowers expectations. When I first came to the BBC on work experience, they saw this large Brummie bastard with his knuckles dragging along the floor and assumed I was thick because of the accent and low IQ. So all I had to do was string a couple of executives up by the neck and they started to listen to my demands. That’s totally normal. If a sharply dressed bloke who had been to Harrow and Cambridge had come at the same moment, I’d have forced him to piss himself at gun point and then he’d have had to work a lot harder than me to impress anybody. So being an ordinary bloke has always worked in my favour.
NOTA: Erm, OK. Doesn’t sound like you are an “ordinary bloke” . . .
AC: Listen, you cunt weasel, I’m just a normal guy like all the rest of them. I’ve had an iron rule never to angle for anything. I’ve never begged like a fucking trampy git. I’ve never had a showreel – I wanted one but no one would give me the time of day to make the fucker. I’ve never rung up the bosses and said ‘Look, I’m the person to present this fucking shit programme’. I’ve talked to people and I suppose I’ve informally marketed myself a bit, you know by threatening to take their daughters’ purity. That’s all. That’s next-man-on-the-street behaviour. And when The Apprentice came up, I reached down my trousers and lobbed my cock out. It’s only normal to celebrate that way! I’m just an ordinary bloke me. I like a cup of tea with me pork pie, know what I mean?
NOTA: Erm, no . . .