We Attenboroughs are famous for liking to look up Mother Nature’s skirt now and again – wor David’s made a career out of taking sneaky peeks – so it came of no surprise when the good people at NOTA asked me to write a nature column for their wonderful weblog. Before we begin with my first entry, I just wish give my thanks to editor-in-chief Greg Splatter and everyone at NOTA for this opportunity and to state for the record that I shall honour their commitment to truth.
Throughout the animal kingdom there exist many homosexual creatures all of which threaten to undermine the Boys conviction that bumming isn’t natural and therefore confuse the Boys. The lifestyle choices of said creatures must be exposed so the Boys can have time to prepare in case of future encounters with them.
#1: The Pony
A number of NOTA films have been pulled from youtube for allegedly breaching their terms and conditions, despite clear acts of self-censorship. Youtube did not appreciate censored images of Alan Shearer’s ongoing campaign to bang a record-breaking 206 slags to raise public awareness of the underfunding of the British Armed Forces. Nor did they find it acceptable to show similarly censored images of Paul Gascoigne and football managers Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger, Neil Warnock and Rafa Benitez. In a bizarre twist, it seems that youtube find it perfectly okay to show imagines of Newcastle owner Mike Ashley being sodomized by a transsexual and being forced to suck cock as long as its for an over 18 audience. One cannot help but wonder if this latter decision in act of support for Joey Barton’s campaign against obesity in the Toon boardroom or simply an act of sexual preference on behalf of the powers that be at Youtube. We here at NOTA can smell at act of sabotage in the name of Sunderland a mile off. Youtube are guilty of nothing less than taking part in the Mackem agenda to undermine Shearer’s noble cause. It is a gross act of cyber-mackemism.
In similar act of censorship, NOTA’s very own Greg Splatter was yesterday blocked from following the Newcastle Evening Chronicle‘s pseudo-journalist Lee Ryder’s twitter feed for insisting that the local press should “grow some balls and fight back” against a tyranny of NUFC owner Mike Ashley’s obesity that seems hell bent on crushing the will of the Geordie people. Ryder up til now has let himself be used as the fatman’s mouthpiece printing his lies and spreading confusion. It remains to be seen whether they are in act all working for a more sinister cause, Sunderland. However, one thing is for certain this cannot go on. Confusion of the Boys (CTB) is a very serious condition and Ryder must not be allowed to proliferate it by printing Ashley’s lies and broken promises.
The Boys like brushing their teeth at least once a week and if we’re gonna do it we might as well use a toothpaste that actually feels like its damaging our teeth even more. That’s why the Boys use Euthymol, the only toothpaste that hurts. But we have a problem. Euthymol’s colour is Pink, a combination of red and white, and a sly piece of Mackem propaganda that will prevent this product from ever really doing it for the boys AND Alan Shearer. So my plan is for you readers to write to Euthymol and urge them to change this mouth lava to an FTB grey (a combination of black and white the colours Alan Shearer wore when he scored 206 record breaking goals for the Toon). Here is some of my correspondence with Johnson and Johnson the makers of Euthymol.
Hello there Men of Euthymol. I just want to say that your toothpaste is definitely the choice of the lads, and the lads will use it all day long, But is it for the Boys?
Well it tingles and sometimes after a really good scrub actually hurts which is something the boys approve of and the fact that it can budge even the harshest of tab stains is a clear indicator that Alan Shearer himself would use it, but would Alan Shearer use it? Euthymol is pink. A combination of red and white the colours that evil Mackems Sunderland have been wearing as their football strip for years. How could the boys and Alan Shearer brush with Mackem toothpaste? It hurts as it cleans but it is pink. Your toothpaste confuses the boys.
To make sure your toothpaste has a future with the boys i suggest you change it from pink to grey (a combination of black and white, the colours that Alan Shearer was wearing when he scored his 206 record breaking goals for the Toon).
Only then will the boys stop being confused. Thank you
Please get in touch with them yourselves to stop the Mackems destroying Alan Shearer’s dream and doing it For the Boys!