One Man Army of Volunteers

xmas shearerHer Royal Highness personally praised the world’s tallest six foot man, Alan Shearer, in her Christmas Day address calling his tireless campaigning against the lack of military funding by banging 206 slags “an enormous degree of the dedication and effort.” So high was her respect for Big Al’s cause that she invited him to give a behing-closed-doors set at Windsor Castle today whilst she ate her Christmas chips and battered swan.  Mr. Shearer didn’t disappoint. The monarch clapped with delight as he sleighed local army wife and would-be choir singer Kelly Burns. Her Majesty told exclusive NOTA reporters afterwards that of course she expected Mr. Shearer to be good “but perhaps most striking of all was to witness the strength.”

99 to go!

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Happy New Year readers from all of us at NOTA HQ!

New Year's Eve celebrations at NOTA HQ with guests of honour the Newcastle Elders Wor Kev & Peter and legendary no.9 Alan Shearer

Happy New Year

Listen readers, I’m a bit drunk but I just wanted to say thanks for the continued support throughout 2011. You’ve been in another class to your run-of-the-mill blog reading cunt, you really have! Now I know what you’re thinking, did Big Alan Shearer bang those slags in the above photograph and thus adding a further three onto his already impressive score? Needless to say, of course he did. Even when he is celebrating the coming new year he’s still performing charitable deeds. Good lad! That’s 121 to go for that man Alan Shearer in his quest to raise awareness of the grossly limited budget of our Armed Forces by bedding 206 record-breaking slags. Wor Kev and Peter called first dibs on sloppy seconds.

Honestly though, you’ve been great followers of our humble news feed, and I’m pleased to say we’ve got some real treats in store this year for you so keep those eyes glued to your favourite blog. Now I’ve got to get back to the party. Hopefully Devil-may-care Lenny Henry hasn’t done what I think he might . . .  Oh fuck he has.

Father Christmas Doesn’t Come Early

The Sun Military Awards were broadcast last night but there was one man missing from the proceedings: Alan Shearer. This, of course, was no mistake on behalf of the judging panel; they had offered him both the award for Support for the Armed Forces and Judges’ Award for Special Recognition, but he declined. In an exclusive NOTA interview Big Al stressed that he did not wish to seem ungrateful, indeed he was honoured to have even been considered, however he felt there were others more deserving of the accolades.
Whilst others were gleefully, and deservedly, shaking hands with and accepting awards from Philip Schofield and Amanda Holden in London, the Geordie striker was in Gloucester continuing his work to raise awareness of poor military funding by banging 206 record-breaking slags. Playing to a sold-out Guildhall theatre the goal-machine’s performance had a particular festive theme. Local bicycle Tina Whitfield was nominated by native sportmen rugby’s Phil Greening and cricket’s Alastair Cook to take a pounding from the Toon legend. And what a pounding it was! Christmas certainly didn’t come early!
‘Tis the season of giving but for Alan Shearer it’s a full time commitment. Don’t let Shearer’s modesty fool you, no one has done more for the British Armed Forces this year than the big number nine!

124 remain intact