Life’s Fruits

Hello again my fellow concerned citizens! As you must know by now, I’m Richard Attenborough the nutcase owner of Jurassic Park and brother of Sir David, and my mission is to expose poofters in the animal kingdom.

#4 The Cockatoo

Do not be fooled by their punk hairstyle these birds are as queer as queers come. They aren’t original punks – Punk’s long dead, after all! They only asked the barber for a Mohican because they find the punk aesthetic “cute” and consider it “a fashion statement”. They think it makes them look tough and manly. Homo-eroticism, pure and simple. Is there anything more gay than trying to look butch? Well, is there? Sucking cock, I hear you say. Well, the cockatoo certainly like to suck a cock or two! Urgh, do they? That’s disgusting. The cockatoo is definitely a poof.

The smallest, and gayest, of cockatoos endemic to Australia is the hideously bent Cockatiel (see below picture).

(Left) Typical make-up wearing poofter male, (Right) Typical female slag

A typical male cockatiel cakes his face with more make-up than even the sluttiest of female cockatiels. Not that the females would be of any interest to the very homo male cockatiels. They breed by artificial insemination so wor Davey tells me.  Poofs.

Life’s Fruits

Happy new year, friends! Welcome to the first addition Life’s Fruits of 2012. My name is Richard Attenborough – brother of David and hallmark of quality British cinema – and my mission, should I choose to accept it (which I have) is to expose queers as found in the natural world.

#3: The Poodle

Dogs are often said to be man’s best friend but a poodle would only be a man’s best friend because it secretly fancied the man and wanted to bum him. Look at it, man! It’s an absolute bloody queer! Yuck. Poodle? Poofle more like, know what I mean.

Life’s Fruits

Hello Comrades! It’s me, that Richard Attenborough fellow – actor, director and brother of David – and I’m back with another disturbingly queer animal

#2: The Flamingo

The flamingo is the gayest bird in the business. The picture to the left shows a couple of bummer flamingos kissing shamelessly in a wild fowl park in Washington, Tyne & Wear and in full sight of parents with young families, mind you. Sickening. It’s nothing short of public indecency. We need more bobbies on the beat, that’ll sort them out.

The flamingo’s mating call is an odd mix of celebrity gossip and homosexual patois which is why it has often drawn comparisons to the sound of Gok Wan masturbating. It’s an outrage just how bent there are, a bloody outrage. Livid.

We Attenboroughs are famous for liking to look up Mother Nature’s skirt now and again – wor David’s made a career out of taking sneaky peeks – so it came of no surprise when the good people at NOTA asked me to write a nature column for their wonderful weblog. Before we begin with my first entry, I just wish give my thanks to editor-in-chief Greg Splatter and everyone at NOTA for this opportunity and to state for the record that I shall honour their commitment to truth.

Life’s Fruits

Throughout the animal kingdom there exist many homosexual creatures all of which threaten to undermine the Boys conviction that bumming isn’t natural and therefore confuse the Boys. The lifestyle choices of said creatures must be exposed so the Boys can have time to prepare in case of future encounters with them.

#1: The Pony

Horses gallop heterosexually on hooves whereas ponies are poof horses that mince about on pooves. Look at it, if that’s not a poofter then I don’t know what is. Does it know no shame? Disgusting.