Stand up and be counted!

206 jokesWe know you have been worried. We here at NOTA have been worried. Let’s be honest, everyone has been worried. Worried why Big Al’s campaign to bang 206 record-breaking slags to raise awareness of the lack of military funding in this so-called country has fallen so silent this year. What on earth has the £15 million super-striker been up to since last December? Well, as it turns out, he’s been trying his hand a stand up comedy! We were as surprised as no doubt you are now – unless you’re one of the lucky 206 record-breaking audience members to attend the recording of Shearer’s new live DVD (out soon in time for Christmas!). Here’s a little taste:
Joke No.36
Q: What is Alan Shearer’s favourite car?
A: The Peugeot 206.
Q: Which model?
A: 2006 model, which was its 9th year of production.

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One Man Army of Volunteers

xmas shearerHer Royal Highness personally praised the world’s tallest six foot man, Alan Shearer, in her Christmas Day address calling his tireless campaigning against the lack of military funding by banging 206 slags “an enormous degree of the dedication and effort.” So high was her respect for Big Al’s cause that she invited him to give a behing-closed-doors set at Windsor Castle today whilst she ate her Christmas chips and battered swan.  Mr. Shearer didn’t disappoint. The monarch clapped with delight as he sleighed local army wife and would-be choir singer Kelly Burns. Her Majesty told exclusive NOTA reporters afterwards that of course she expected Mr. Shearer to be good “but perhaps most striking of all was to witness the strength.”

99 to go!

Putting Feet First

shearer 56

After slacking a little of late, the world’s tallest six foot man found himself in Ashford, Kent today as his much-publicised campaign to raise awareness of the lack of military funding in this so-called country by banging 206 record-breaking slags was due a kick start. And what better way to do so than with local dinnerlady and filthy foot fox Theodora Atkins. A small but respectful crowd gathered at St Mary’s Church to witness the man-mountain that is Alan Shearer find his feet once more in the race to change the moneymen’s attitude to our Armed Forces and reverse spending cuts. Miss Atkins father and long time pinko troublemaker, Graham, was conspicious by his absence – some times parents just don’t understand!

100 yet to be pummelled

Cooking up controversy

The BBC ought to hang its head in shame today after refusing to air big Alan Shearer’s appearance on the popular yet tedious cookery show Saturday Kitchen. BBC Director General George Entwistle “justified” his decision by moaning that the explicit sexual content on the Geordie number 9’s performance would not have been suitable pre-watershed let alone on a Saturday morning family show. This comes only days after he claim to want to put originality at the heart of BBC policy. What could be more original than having Alan Shearer fuck some hot piece of ass on a cookery show? Let’s call it what it is, nonsense. When push comes to shove the BBC just don’t want to stick their necks out and openly criticise the lack of military funding in this so-called country for fear of having their funding cut as a consequence. Put simply: they have no balls. Luckily there is a man who does have the balls, Alan Shearer. Not only did Alan pummel the heck out of this nubile brunette as part of his campaign to raise awareness of the plight of our Armed Forces by banging 206 record-breaking slags, he also trumped Paul Rankin’s three-egg omelette challenge record of 15.12 seconds by cooking the perfect omelette in a staggering 9 seconds. What a guy! Shame the BBC pulled the plug on the broadcast.

101 remain on the To Do list.

Total Recall

Never mind that Colin Farrell twat, Big Alan Shearer knows how to recreate an early 90s action classic better than no man. The towering Geordie striker found himself in Seascale, Cumbria today and, good heavens, he certainly had his hands full with local bint and former Sellafield technician Kimberley “50% extra” Hyde. That’s one closer to his target of banging 206 record-breaking slags to raise awareness of the underfunding of our Armed Forces. Good lad.

103 – 1 = 102 to go!

206th Post Exclusive: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S … Alan Shearer!

Massive six-foot man-mountain Alan Shearer woke up yesterday to the news that his campaign of banging 206 record-breaking slags to raise awareness of insufficient military funding was potentially in tatters.  While munching upon his regular breakfast of chicken and beans an emergency carrier pigeon arrived from the office of Newcastle Elders Wor Kev and Peter informing him that six of the lucky lasses selected to take part in his campaign had been kidnapped by Mackem terrorists under the command of vicious Wearside tyrant and benefit fraudster Chris Waddle. Outraged, the Geordie striker slammed his fist to the table and after formulating a rescue operation in a matter of seconds sent a carrier pigeon away to the Newcastle Elders informing them of the plan . . .

Step One – Locate Some of Women

“Rumours have it,” Shearer wrote, “that Waddle recently installed a purpose-built bachelor pad on the third floor of Hylton Castle. This seems like the most likely place he have holed up some of the girls but as Waddle is a slippery customer I very much doubt he’d make it that easy for us to put them all in the same place. But we’ll start there. Now, everyone knows that it’s perfectly within my powers to bound up the walls of the Castle after all I made a career out of getting one over the wall of Premiership defenders, however I’ll need Wor Peter to distract Waddle’s Mackem guards by any means necessary . . . ”

“That’s fine,” thought Wor Peter, “I can cast scorn on their stinking Mackem breath by throwing bags on minty fresh Jesmona Black Bullets at them. No doubt they’ll give chase and that should bide you some time.”

Shearer’s note continued: “With Wor Peter taking care of the guards, I’ll break inside the building, just like the way I broke into many a Premiership penalty box, and score a spectacular brace . . . ”

110 – 2 = 108

“After the formalities are through and I’ve ticked the two off my campaign tally, I’ll turn my attention to the whereabouts of the other slags . . . ”

Step Two – Holding the Fort

“Obviously as Wor Peter is otherwise engaged, Wor Kev will have to oversee the smooth running of Tyneside on his own, making sure that everything remains Black ‘n’ White ‘n’ True.”
Step Three – Interrogation

“Now it’s unlikely that the slags in the bachelor pad at Hylton Castle will know the whereabouts of the others, however no doubt there will be low level female employees working for Waddle, such as maids, that may well do. Before scaling back down the wall of the Castle I’ll take a hostage of my own and working quickly with well-proven techniques get some answers . . . ”

108 – 1 = 107

The Final Stage

Stages one to three were a complete success. It was discovered that the remaining slags were being held in Waddle’s headquarters above Oris Ltd sausage factory, Sunderland and now it was a race against time to rescue the girls and get his campaign back on track. Today, in an exclusive interview, the man who redefined the number 9 told NOTA reporters of how whilst fighting his way into Waddle’s sausagy compound it occurred to him that if the events that were transpiring were to be condensed into neatly packaged report it would be a canny 206th post for the NOTA News blog: “I thought to meself that given this could be the 206th post for your blog I should be dressed for the occasion. I took some dinner clothes from the bedroom and while get dressed fought my way through to the hostages.”

After dodging the attacks of one guard after another the world’s tallest six foot man found himself one on one with the last line of defense standing between him and the slags. “Divvn’t ye even think aboot it . . . Actually gan aheed make me day!” Shearer shouted . . .

107 – 1 = 106

The Geordie legend rounded up the remaining slags headed to the helipad where he had planned to steal Waddle’s Sausage-copter and fly the slags to safety. However two of the lasses, frightened that they might miss their opportunity to take part in Shearer’s campaign if the Sausage-copter were shot down whilst escaping, had other plans.

106 – 2 = 104

Despite being a performance of sexual prowess perhaps unwitnessed in the history of the Earth, in the process of banging the sheer heck out of these two blonde bints one of the other slags was snatched by Waddle’s Mackem minions. Wasting no time in postcoital clean up, the big Geordie legend gave the slags a quick yet thorough helicopter pilot lesson so they could fly to safety on their own.

The lasses arrived back to the office of Newcastle Elders Wor Kev and Peter in perfect nick yet as the hours when by there was no news from Shearer. What had happened to him? Had he managed to rescue the other girl? Had he been caught? The news quickly spread through Tyneside. The area became gripped by fear and as the day drifted ever more into night all hope seemed to be vanishing with it.

Then at 6:37 am this morning . . .

104 – 1 = 103 to go

SHEARER!

Meanwhile, having sworn revenge what evil is Mackem tyrant Chris Waddle summoning from the depths of Hell . . .

To be continued . . .

Six Foot Colossus

Despite the her best efforts the gibberish spewed up by the Oracle of Delphi never quite cut it with the ancestors of NOTA HQ, nor did her nonsensical claim that she convinced them not to rebuild the Colossus of Rhodes because they may have offended the sun god Helios. Ancient scrolls handed down from our Boys back then to the Boys here now, clearly state that the real reason why they felt it wouldn’t be a good idea to rebuild it. In plain Geordie ’twas written that it was pointless to rebuild it as they knew that one day a man would be born whose towering six foot stature would dwarf all statues and all gods. That man hit the ground running in 1970. His name is Alan Shearer, as the National Monuments Record (NMR), English Heritage’s public archive, in Swindon know so well.
And while we’re on the subject. Alan was in Swindon yesterday. That’s right, while we were  all scratching our behinds and bemoaning the seemingly endless shit weather, Big Al was braving the elements, carrying on his campaign to raise awareness of poor military funding by banging 206 record-breaking slags!  Playing to a packed and applauding Wyvern Theatre, the massive number 9 ravaged the socks off local bint Hannah Smart, who it must be said gave as good as she got. Miss Smart’s teary-eyed mother Helen told NOTA reporters she’d “never felt so proud of anything in her life”.  Good work all round.

110 to go!

Nearer for Shearer After Vera

£15 million superstriker and all-round top bloke Alan Shearer chalked another one off and moved ever more towards his target of bedding 206 record-breaking slags to help raise awareness of poorly military funding yesterday. Mr. Shearer who was Stamford Bridge to cheer on his beloved Newcastle United as they thrashed Chelsea a massive two goals to nil and decided to celebrate the occasion by giving an impromptu performance with local bike Vera Eddington-Timms. After drilling her into ecstasy the six-foot Geordie legend disappeared into the night leaving those in the press room gasping for breath. Stunning!

111 remain

Age Concerned

After the floppy failure of his previous outing, six-foot Geordie giant Alan Shearer returned to Bradford yesterday in a effort to make amends and get his campaign to raise awareness of the plight of our Armed Forces by banging 206 record-breaking slags back on track. Little did he know that, much like a growing number of men in the Bradford area, the organiser of the event was a granny-fetishist. Our hero had to grin and bare it, contractually obliged as he was to drill the heck out of two local pensioners to an applauding sell-out crowd in the National Media Museum.

114 – 2 = 112 left