Feeling the Pressure

Seeming man-mountain Alan Shearer left a Bradford crowd of several hundred stunned yesterday as his campaign to bang 206 record-breaking slags to raise awareness for the plight of the British Armed Forces staggered to a floppy halt. When you’re known for carrying the world on your shoulders too easily people forget you’re only human. A disappointing night for all, yes, but Shearer will be back and stronger! After all, if he doesn’t then who will?

Still 114 to go

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Ooh Lord, a hand-shandy from Mandy in Sandyford!

Big bad Alan Shearer was back on the case yesterday in Sandyford, Newcastle continuing his much publicised campaign to raise awareness of poor military funding by banging 206 record breaking slags. Local bike Amanda Knowles jumped at the chance to fall into the muscular arms of her only hero to help her forget the disappointment of having failed to make it onto the latest series of Geordie Shore. A small but fiery crowd punched the sky on Shearer’s climax which left a thoroughly ravaged Miss Knowles gooey-faced and her applauding proud mother tearful.  A top night for all!

114 to go

Two Birds One Shearer!

Big bad Alan Shearer travelled to Morpeth yesterday where he received a hero’s welcome by an ecstatic crowd. Two-hundred or so skipped church eager to witness the Geordie striker ravage a couple of local bints as part campaign to raise awareness of the lack of military funding in this so-called country by banging 206 record-breaking slags. Local bikes Katy Adamson and Rebecca Hedley bucked and sucked themselves into the hearts of onlookers as the massive number nine took no prisoners in what was surely one of his finest performances to date. Champion!

117 – 2 = 115 remaining

Getting it up for Lent in Kent

Terrifyingly tall Geordie striker Alan Shearer finally got back down to business in Kent yesterday after a well-deserved break from his campaign to raise awareness of poor military funding by banging 206 record-breaking slags. Canterbury big lass Kelly Starkey volunteered her services to Big Al partly out of respect for his cause but also in attempt to work off some excess padding piled up by extreme pancaking on Tuesday. Needless to say, the giant number nine pounded the heck out of her in front of a roaring and packed Marlowe Theatre.

117 left to go!

Picking up three at Blackburn

Towering Geordie six-footer Alan Shearer continued his much-publicised campaign to bang 206 record-breaking slags to help raise awareness of the underfunding of the British Armed Forces in Blackburn yesterday. The superstriker had been celebrating with his beloved Newcastle United after they’d picked up three points at Ewood Park against the struggling relegation-bound Lancashire side, when low and behold Shearer managed to picked up three of another kind for himself! Local gobshite Barbara Hindle was joined by slag sisters Jackie and Judy Valentine to make the night a complete success.

121 – 3 = 118 to go

Happy New Year readers from all of us at NOTA HQ!

New Year's Eve celebrations at NOTA HQ with guests of honour the Newcastle Elders Wor Kev & Peter and legendary no.9 Alan Shearer

Happy New Year

Listen readers, I’m a bit drunk but I just wanted to say thanks for the continued support throughout 2011. You’ve been in another class to your run-of-the-mill blog reading cunt, you really have! Now I know what you’re thinking, did Big Alan Shearer bang those slags in the above photograph and thus adding a further three onto his already impressive score? Needless to say, of course he did. Even when he is celebrating the coming new year he’s still performing charitable deeds. Good lad! That’s 121 to go for that man Alan Shearer in his quest to raise awareness of the grossly limited budget of our Armed Forces by bedding 206 record-breaking slags. Wor Kev and Peter called first dibs on sloppy seconds.

Honestly though, you’ve been great followers of our humble news feed, and I’m pleased to say we’ve got some real treats in store this year for you so keep those eyes glued to your favourite blog. Now I’ve got to get back to the party. Hopefully Devil-may-care Lenny Henry hasn’t done what I think he might . . .  Oh fuck he has.

Father Christmas Doesn’t Come Early

The Sun Military Awards were broadcast last night but there was one man missing from the proceedings: Alan Shearer. This, of course, was no mistake on behalf of the judging panel; they had offered him both the award for Support for the Armed Forces and Judges’ Award for Special Recognition, but he declined. In an exclusive NOTA interview Big Al stressed that he did not wish to seem ungrateful, indeed he was honoured to have even been considered, however he felt there were others more deserving of the accolades.
Whilst others were gleefully, and deservedly, shaking hands with and accepting awards from Philip Schofield and Amanda Holden in London, the Geordie striker was in Gloucester continuing his work to raise awareness of poor military funding by banging 206 record-breaking slags. Playing to a sold-out Guildhall theatre the goal-machine’s performance had a particular festive theme. Local bicycle Tina Whitfield was nominated by native sportmen rugby’s Phil Greening and cricket’s Alastair Cook to take a pounding from the Toon legend. And what a pounding it was! Christmas certainly didn’t come early!
‘Tis the season of giving but for Alan Shearer it’s a full time commitment. Don’t let Shearer’s modesty fool you, no one has done more for the British Armed Forces this year than the big number nine!

124 remain intact

Lake Dick-strict for the big AS

The world’s tallest 6 foot man Alan Shearer recently took the NOTA office by surprise sending us a letter stating “You guys need to keep up with me, a pensioner had to take this for me when I drove through the outskirts of the lake district on tour.” As it turns out Shearer had picked up hitchhiker Molly Parker on his travels and after hearing his plight she offered herself there and then. The angry look on his face? “I thought I saw someone in the bushes wearing a red and white top which almost sent me ballistic, but on closer inspection it was just some mafia types dumping a body wrapped in a bed sheet . . . which is fine.”

125 slags left to fill up St James Park

Loud and Proud in Stroud

The massive six foot man-mountain Alan Shearer wasted no time on his arrival in Stroud last night, rounding up three of the town’s finest (apparently) as the Gloucestershire leg of his campaign to raise awareness of inept military funding by smashing 206 record-breaking slags got underway.  Before his performance, Mr. Shearer spoke candidly to a packed Cotswold Playhouse about how the citizens of Stroud have a proud history of protest and straight-talking politics dating back to 1825 riots and he thanked them for their continued support. A huge cheers resonated around the auditorium as native rockers Pendragon plugged in to provide the mood music and the Geordie striker got down to the serious business of banging the whatever dignity they may have once had out of local trollops Jenny Proctor, Lynn Baxendale and Martha Chadwick. Good lad!

129 – 3 = 126 to go!