VHS Review: ‘Warrior of the Lost World’ (David Worth, 1983)

Initially created and released under its Italian name Il Giustiziere della terra perduta (translated as “The Executioner of the Lost Earth), Warrior of the Lost Earth was writer-director David Worth’s third film under his own name (by the end of 1983 having made five under the pseudonym Sven Conrad), however Worth himself has claimed it was his directorial debut. Reportedly Worth was flown into Italy and shown a poster for the film and then told to go away and make it. You’d have never guess it!
Due to the popularity of the Mad Max films, the 1980s saw a great number of films trying (and failing) to cash in on the trend and this is no exception. Set in the future after a “radiation war” the world is now under the control ruthless dictatorship of Omega anf their (not so) charismatic leader Donald Pleasence. As is always the case there are some do-gooders fighting to overthrow the regime and they come in the form of the Enlightened Elders, a group of mystics who dress quite unfathomably as if they are living in Ancient Greece. The film begins with a lone motorcyclist riding into focus for what seems like an eternity – didn’t Abbas Kiarostami say something about a character being worth the wait? Well, in this case he would be bang wrong. Frankly, this lead character is

The late Robert Ginty as The Rider on the very annoying Einstein

bollocks. The late Robert Ginty, known to NOTA for his role in 80s shitfest The Exterminator, plays The Rider, essentially a Russell Crowe lookalike with an annoying self-aware motorcycle named Einstein, which unsuccessfully attempts to have the charisma of Knight Rider‘s Kit. Einstein is infinitely irritating, perhaps to the point of single-handedly killing the film before it even begins proper. However, at least the bike makes an impression unlike the vapid and ineffectual Ginty – one is informed that one shouldn’t speak ill of the dead but he can’t hear me so fuck him. He was a total poof of an actor.

After violent run-ins with an Omega squadron then later a group of thuggish cyberpunks, The Rider, injured from all the flighting, crashes through the ‘wall of illusion’ and into the hands of the Elders who heal his wounds and inform him that he is the long-prophesised “chosen one” who will help them destroy Omega. And so on and so on.

Essentially this film is dull shit. There is even a twist at the end setting up the possibility of a sequel. However, no sequel ever came nor ever will . . . unless the Boys make it, which they won’t!

Verdit: Bored the Boys (BTB)


VHS Review: ‘The Intruder’ (Jopi Burnama, 1986)

Rambu is pissed off, very pissed off. More pissed off than you or I could possibly be. He’s pissed off at us also. After all, isn’t our apathy at fault for the world’s problems? Rambu is not so weighed down by social inertia. He’s had enough of making excuses and he’s fighting back. Whereas you and I would haplessly stand back and allow two drug-dealing gangster types to assault a female member of our community, Rambu on the contrary is prepared to throw a tennis ball at the villians and save the day. He’s not messing about that’s for damn sure! “Hold on,” I hear you protest, “Isn’t his name a little familiar?

Tennis balls are weapons in the hands of Rambu

Isn’t he just a rip-off/cash-in on Rambo?”. No, he isn’t. Just look at the picture above, he is absolutely nothing like Rambo. He’s Rambu. And he means business!

The story is rather easy to describe – Rambu kicks the fuck out of anyone in his path and eventually the gangsters get tired out it, taking revenge by killing Rambu’s wife. Bastards! Understandably Rambu isn’t happy about this and hunts down the gang’s boss Mr. White. Will Rambu save the day?

Raring have the Boys been so stunned by the cinematographic form as they were during a late night encounter with Jopi Burnama’s mid-eighties masterwork.

Verdict: For the Boys (FTB)

VHS Review: ‘Split Second’ (Tony Maylam, 1992)

Now people can say what the like about Boris Johnson, they can call him a dimwitted toff racist or an adulterous cigar case thief if they choose, but in fairness to the lad knows how to get things done. In 2008, for example, just after being elected to office as Mayor of London, forty days of torrential rain due to global warning caused the Thames burst its banks and flood large areas of the city. Rats and disease raged war and crime escalated due to an increasingly desperate populace, comprised primarily of cyberpunks. To make matters worse, a serial killer was on the rampage ripping on the hearts of victims and leaving the police completely baffled. Boris Johnson decided enough was enough and hired Stone (played by Rutger Hauer), an uncompromising US mercenary to track down the perpetrator and bring him to justice. After Stone’s somewhat brash and unorthodox tactics fell under scrutiny by London’s Special Branch, Boris Johnson assigned him a partner Dick Durkin (played by Alastair Duncan), who no one could work out if he was meant to be comic relief or not.

Michelle (Kim Cattrall) gets her tits out twice (for the Boys!)

Before these two half-wits manage to realise that the killer was in fact a mutant rat-cum-man-demon thingy from the sewers that was eating hearts of its victim to claim their souls and that it had something to do with the astrological water symbol of scorpio, Michelle (played by Kim Cattrall) did her best to keep anyone who was getting ever more bored by the plot interested by getting her tits out a couple of times. However, despite her very welcome efforts doing it for the Boys it wasn’t enough. The rest of the story fell so flat and made so little sense that everyone has forgotten that any of this ever happened and now no one remembers just how much Boris Johnson’s decision to hire Stone had saved London from the horrors of a killer rat-cum-man-demon thingy.

Director Tony Maylam, known to NOTA solely for launching the career of the Weinsteins with his Friday the 13th rip-off and video nasty shitfest ‘The Burning’ (1981), does a fine job here in showing the world how to be completely inept at your job, although one can offer him a degree of sympathy given the total inadequacy of the writing. On top of all that, the title ‘Split Second’ is beyond baffling and not at any point in the film is any clue given as to why on earth it is chosen. Hmm.

Verdict – Bored the Boys (BTB)

VHS Review: ‘House 2: The Second Story’ (Ethan Wiley, 1987)

The cinesimpletons over at reelfilm.com described House 2: The Second Story as “the all-time champion in the category of uncalled for sequels”, calling it “excruciating” and complaining that it “just goes too far with the over-the-top hijinks”. They also seem to have problem with the lack of gore, whinging that it could easily be shown on a Saturday morning. Yet what they, and everyone else who slates this film for that matter, don’t seem to realise is that they are utter cunts and would probably give their own reviews a panning whilst masturbating themselves into a frenzy of reactionary glee. Let’s not forget that reelfilm.com are the self-same ninnies that find it “extraordinarily difficult to understand why [Duck Soup] is generally regarded as some kind of a comedy classic” claiming that “the majority of [the Marx Brother’s material] just isn’t funny” and gave it the same number of stars as intolerable dreck like Epic Movie , whilst simultaneously rubbing their prostates in delight at Kathryn Bigelow’s racist borefest The Hurt Locker with its empty performances that are in their dimwitted opinion “nothing short of stunning in terms of its power and effectiveness”. How on earth they found Bigelow’s exercise in tedium to be “almost unbearably suspenseful” is a mystery nearly as great as the appeal of Pendulum and the Black Eyed Peas. What’s worse they seem to criticise House 2: The Second Story for providing what it our opinion here at NOTA is one of the all-time great cameos John Ratzenberger as Bill “Electrician & Adventurer” Towner (“Looks like you’ve got some sort of alternate universe in there or something”), moaning that the House films seem to make it a rule to have a member of the Cheers cast has to appear at some point. I’m surprised they even noticed George Wendt appeared in the first film given that they obviously spend the majority of their time doubled over cursing their lower rib. Pricks.

Having formerly been a creative technician on both Return of the Jedi (1983) and Gremlins (1984), Ethan Wiley had written the screenplay for House (1986) and House 2: The Second Story was his directorial debut. The “sequel” has nothing to due with its predecessor other than its set in strange house (not the same though). The story follows Jesse (played by Arye Gross) who having inherited an old house begins to explore his family secrets. He is particularly keen on the story of his great-great-grandfather, a notorious outlaw famed for having stolen a crystal skull with alleged magical powers. Believing that the skull may be buried with his great-great-grandfather, Jesse and his friend Charlie (played by Jonathan Stark) proceed to dig up his grave finding both the skull and, get this, Gramps (played by Royal Dano) still alive. Gramps informs Jesse that the house he has inherited is a temple and warns Jesse that evil forces may come a-looking for the skull and they best be alert. Of course, inevitably they do come a-looking and Jesse must fight off sacrificial cults, strange prehistoric creatures and vengeful outlaws to save the world as well as his own love life.

Someone regrets not using Radox

Enjoyable romp for those who don’t have an axe to grind due to the size of their penis.

Verdict: For the Boys (FTB)

VHS Review: ‘Adventures in Babysitting’ (Chris Columbus, 1987)

According to the cunts over at Internet Movie Data Bollocks, a fifteen year old Chris Columbus was so inspired by a viewing of The Godfather that he decided a career in film was him. After discussing his plans with a number of friends, most of whom thought it was a ridiculously bad idea and that he didn’t have clue, Queen Isabella I of Castile offered him some cash hoping to see the back of him. Mistakenly taking this condescending gesture as a sign of support, he packed his little bag, folded his blanky and set sail arriving in the New World to enrol in NYU Film School bringing disease with him.

Columbus was a very pious man and after graduation he felt he must concentrate his efforts on the religious conversion of the natives he encountered. He decided the best way to do this was through writing a film that would properly convey the Lord’s message across to the natives. Yes, this must be it! Between1984 and 1985 three of Columbus’ screenplays were to be made into features. In Reckless (1984) James Foley directs Johnny (played by  Aiden Quinn), a rebellous American footballer and comes from a poor background, who falls for Tracey (played by Daryl Hannah), a rich girl with a jerk for a boyfriend. So utter crap then. The second and third of Columbus’ screenplays to convert the savages however are classics that need no introduction. Put simply, Gremlins (1984) and The Goonies (1985).

In 1987 Columbus would be given the chance to direct his first feature. Adventures in Babysitting stars Elisabeth Shue (go here) as 17 year old Chris Parker, who having had her big date cancelled by her jerk of a boyfriend ends up babysitting for Sara Anderson, a little girl with pre-adolescent crush on Thor (played by Maia Brewton) and Brad Anderson, a 15 year old with a crush on Chris (played by Keith Coogan). Both of which ended their acting careers in the film’s TV spin-off. The hilarity starts when, get this, Chris’ friend telephones to say she has ran away from home and is now stranded at the train station surrounded by general inner city-type folk. You know the sort, you’ve seen them before, people such as the crazy homeless man, the gun waver and the dreaded spectacles thief. Chris promises to save her and inevitably things don’t go to plan. Chris and the two kids, joined by Brad’s annoying ginger mate Daryl (played by Anthony Rapp), encounter a hookhanded tow-truck driver out to shoot his wife’s lover, a car thief with a heart of gold and his gangster bosses and have to endure being forced to sing the blues. The shit really hits the fan when poor Chris spots her boyfriend’s car parked outside a restaurant. Her boyfriend, who had cancelled his date with Chris by claiming he had to look after his sick little sister, was really out on a date. And get this the girl he was with had a reputation for being a bit easy to get in the sack for a fiddle. Good lad! I mean, who can blame him. Elisabeth Shue doesn’t get her top off for one second in this film and it’s a fucking 15-rating! According to BBFC guidelines in a 15-rated film nudity ‘may be allowed in a sexual context but without strong detail’. Now strong detail would be nice, but no one is demanding it. All see want to see is your fucking tits. Now stop teasing The Boys and get that top off. To make matters worse throughout the film we are told that Shue’s character Chris bears an uncanny resemblance to a recent Playboy model but we never see any topless photographs. Chris seems embarrassed by the resemblance, why? Playboy models do it for the Boys! Don’t be a fucking Mackem, show us the goods.

Cock-tease Elisabeth Shue with her top probably glued on

Adventures in Babysitting was to be Columbus’ professional debut as a director. He would later go on to direct Home Alone, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and Mrs. Doubtfire as well as bunch of Harry Potter bullshit.

Verdict: Against the Boys (ATB)